


Just So You Know

by Faerytalelove8



Series: The 'Just' Saga [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Epic Friendship, Love, Love Story?, M/M, Rape, Violence, Ziall (Side), poorly written smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2017-12-30 01:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faerytalelove8/pseuds/Faerytalelove8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis had been the one to deny the Larry bromance, he'd been the one to say that Larry wasn't real, Larry was the biggest load of bullshit he'd ever heard. So why did he initiate it? Why was he starting to feel things he shouldn't be feeling about his best mate? Were they even best mates anymore?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fan fiction ever so I'd like some comments and views on things that I can improve on kay? Thanks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to see the cover:
> 
> http://gotmyfaerytale.tumblr.com/post/67920141966/this-is-my-cover

Prologue:  
We had always denied it, the rumors of our affair. We had always said it was the overactive imagination of the fans. That they were looking for something that just wasn’t there. We were appalled by those who actually believed in their hearts that we were together. So what if we were best mates? That we were comfortable enough around each other and of our sexualities to be the touchy feely friends?

  
We just laughed it off and actually started playing the part for the fans, messing around and writing things on twitter. We used to goof off about it in interviews showing people that we were all cuddly and together. We may have taken it too far… or perhaps it was just enough.

Chapter 1  
“And we’re at our last question” some American lady was speaking into a microphone for a daily news show. She glanced at me as she said this.

  
“Louis, Harry, when’s the wedding?” She asks, slightly amused at her own joke.

  
Beside me Zayn, Niall, Liam, and Harry roll their eyes. Like we haven’t heard that one before. Though they roll their eyes, I felt a tense body next to mine shift uncomfortably.

  
I grabbed Harry’s knee and looked right at the host, plastering a huge grin on my face and faking a nervous laugh.

  
“Well,” I started, “We haven’t set a date yet, but we’re thinking sometime in the near future,” I laughed.

  
It’s been a while since I’ve answered that question with a ‘Yes, Larry is real’ response. I don’t know why I did it, since it’s been so long since Harry moved out and Eleanor moved in.

  
I glanced at my other band mates and they all had their mouths open in shock. This probably had to do with the fact that I had been the one to get all annoyed at the Larry attention and had basically exploded at Harry the last time it was brought up.

  
You couldn’t blame me for our fight though, what would you do if people started saying things to your girlfriend about how the fake relationship between her boyfriend and his best friend was better than the original relationship between her and him.

  
I just sat there waiting for the boys to pick their chins up off the floor.  
“And that’s all the time we have for today, I’m Sherly Sunny telling you to have a fabulous day.” The host tells the camera and audience.

  
As we head backstage Zayn looks at me thoughtfully, not even paying attention to what he was doing and bumping into the people backstage. His quizzical brow arched high over his mysterious eyes.

  
“What was that!?!” Liam finally asks, breaking the silence, worry in his tone. It looks as if the other boys had the same question on their tongues.

  
“I dunno, I didn’t think about it” I replied, suddenly feeling sheepish and blushing furiously. I feel a pair of eyes glaring at me from behind. I knew those could only belong to Harry.

  
“You weren’t thinking!” He practically whispers, “You make a big deal over it, basically kick me out and tell me that Larry is done… and then you pull a stunt like that?!?” There are obviously tears in his eyes that he is blinking to get rid of before they fall. This doesn’t help the tears from sounding in his voice.

  
I don’t know what to say to this. Yeah I had fucked up in the past. Yeah I kicked him out, been an awful friend and even ignored him all for the sake of saving my relationship with El. But lately I’d been thinking, what was my life worth if I didn’t have Harry as my best mate?

  
I couldn’t reply to him with the right words and while I stood there choked up, Harry shook his head, made a disgusted sound and stormed out of the room. I glanced back to see his body turned the corner entering the hallway that led outside.

  
Facing the rest of the boys (I’d decided to let Harry be for the moment, he needed some space) they all just looked at me with surprised expressions on their faces. I couldn’t blame them though, after everything I had put them and Harry through.

  
Harry never told them what I’d said, just that we had a fight and we weren’t living together anymore. They also noticed the tension between Harry and I, but never really said anything or asked any questions because they saw the way Harry behaved around me after that first week.  
I don’t know why it had bothered me so much, what people said. It wasn’t like it was negative in any fashion to me or Harry, and aside from the hate for El, they left our relationship alone. I guess what it was, was the negative thoughts inside my own head that sparked me to have it out with Harry. I’d started to believe that Harry was getting these ideas into Eleanor’s head (thus causing the fights between us at the time) and that Harry secretly wanted our relationship to fail so he could have me all to himself.

  
It’s not like I had an issue with Harry’s sexuality, in fact my best friend from home had also been gay. So, it really wasn’t all that different when Harry told us all that he was gay as well. I hadn’t even been grossed out when he would bring home guys. So I don’t even know how it got to the point that I kicked him out and called him a faggot. Harsh I know. And I regret it so much now. I mean, who wouldn’t, he is… was… my best mate.

TWELVE OR SO HOURS LATER

Niall, Liam, and Zayn had all gotten into the van first when it pulled up to the curb. That left the back to Harry and me. We had to sit together. Oh great…

  
It was a long way home. As Harry was living with Zayn now, I was the only one left in the van by the time it pulled up to my flat.

  
Unlocking the door and entering the flat gave me flashbacks from when I kicked Harry out. I’d just finished reading a bad bout of Larry haters’ tweets. I don’t know what else could have sparked me to yell at Harry. He hadn’t even come into the door before I had rounded on him.

  
As I look back on it now, I cringe at all the nasty things I told him. It was a wonder Harry even spoke to me after that. I certainly wouldn’t have, had I been in his position.

  
I’d seen him open the door, the haters’ comments had sent me over the edge and I lashed out at him. After all I’d said he’d just stood there flinching at my tone and the words I spoke, but otherwise staying quiet. Only after I’d quieted down had he even suggested that he wanted to speak.

  
“Are you done?” He’d asked, as if he deserved everything I’d handed to him. That’s when I’d snapped. I told him to pack his shit up and leave, he obviously didn’t fucking care. Only after Eleanor had moved in had I really thought about it and regretted everything I’d ever said or done that day.

 

I tossed the keys to the bowl next to the door and kicked off my TOMS, entering the living room. I noticed a wave of brown hair twirling around on the couch to give way to eyes that observed everything I was doing.

Immediately she smiled. I on the other hand groaned internally. I definitely was not in the mood, still transfixed on what I’d done to even think about anything else.

  
I gave her a hello and walked through the door to the kitchen, trying to avoid her. I needed some tea.

  
Filling the kettle and setting it on the stove only lasted a few seconds and then I was turning to bump into Eleanor who was standing right behind me. I grumbled a little but didn’t say anything.

  
She wrapped her thin arms around my waist and looked up at me teasingly. She batted her eyelashes and pressed herself against me. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with my thoughts of Harry and everything that had happened I might have gotten turned on by those seductive faces she was making. But I clearly was not in the mood and _Lil’ Lou_ just wasn’t performing.

  
She leaned in for a kiss but I pulled back and unwrapped her arms from my middle. I definitely didn’t want that right now. What is wrong with me? I’ve got this extremely sexy woman just begging to be fucked and I’m denying her access? I shook my head to clear my thoughts but it just wouldn’t work.

  
I grumbled something about not feeling well as I just gave up on the kettle, turned the stove off, and shoved passed El through the living room to the stairs. I clomped upstairs, not even paying attention to where El was. I crashed through into what used to be Harry’s room and locked the door behind me. I didn’t want to be disturbed. As I sank into the bed that was the only thing left behind, I sank into my thoughts; they all circled around Harry.

  
I must have fallen asleep at some point, but I didn’t know when, as even my dreams were of Harry.

_He was there, in the room. Staring at my naked body and licking his lips. Lil’ Lou lurched just at the thought of his lips wrapping around my cock. Seeing this, he smirked but stayed where he was._  
 _God I wanted him so bad. I wanted him inside me; I wanted him to rock into me. Suddenly the thoughts were too much and I had to touch myself._  
 _As I pleasured myself, he watched intently and waited until I was good and ready to even move another muscle. Then he was up and stalking towards me._  
 _Oh God, I wanted him so bad. And I told him just as much._  
 _Harry grasped my dick hard with his hand, his lips pressing lightly on my cheek before trailing up to my ear as he whispered,_  
 _“Fucking faggot” Only it wasn’t his voice, it was my own._

I suddenly woke up, staring down at my semi and breathing heavy. That couldn’t be. It just couldn’t. I wasn’t gay; I didn’t want any kind of dick in my ass. I didn’t want anything to do with sex with a man. Harry isn’t just a man, my thoughts said. Shut up, thoughts! Not that there was anything wrong with sex with a man, it just wasn’t for me. But why did I want him to suck me off? Why did I want him to fuck me, if I wasn’t gay? I shook my head and curled up into a ball, turning on my side. Somehow I was even scared and a little hurt at being called a faggot…. _Just like Harry must have been..._

  
Guilt gave way like a tidal wave through my entire body and tears escaped my eyes. I couldn’t handle this right now. I couldn’t handle my thoughts.

  
I needed a drink. I was pretty sure we didn’t have any in the house though, El wanted to keep her weight down but she couldn’t do that with the temptation of alcohol (which was like chocolate to her) in the flat.  
I slowly stood up, still in the clothes from earlier that day. I noticed it was dark outside so it wouldn’t seem weird if I went out for a drink.  
I snatched up my phone from the bed and ignored all the messages by shoving it into my pocket and grabbing a coat that must have been left in the room from Harry.

  
I walked out of the room and out the front door without even considering El, who may or may not have waited up for me. At the moment I really didn’t care. Did that make me a bad person? I was going through a personal crisis here! She’d have to understand.

  
I hailed a taxi, not even thinking about calling Paul and letting him know I was going out. I just left. I couldn’t handle talking to anyone I knew. I just needed to think about something else for a change. I needed a drink.

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So there I was, at the bar, when I drunkenly checked my phone for the first time since that morning.

From: Niall- 8:30 P.M.  
Hey, going for a drink, wanna come along?  
Ni xx

From Niall- 9:00 P.M.  
Having fun, you should come. Harry won’t be all that bad.  
Ni xx

From Niall- 9:13 P.M.  
Hey, I see you! Get over here!  
Ni xx

From Zayn- 8:48 P.M.  
Harry’s not coming, if you want to get a drink with us.

From El – 9:00  
Where are you?!?!  
Hunny<3 xx

I ignored the last one and winged my head around and looked for the boys before pulling my phone to my ear and waiting for one of them to pick up.

“Hullo?” His voice asked, sounding winded and tired at the same time. I struggled to hear him, but as soon as I recognized his voice I started rambling about being drunk and sorry for calling him because I meant to call one of the other boys to see where they were. I hadn’t even realized I’d pressed his speed dial which was still #1 on my phone.

 

The next thing I remember is saying something about having dick in my ass and a big, warm pair of hands helping me up the stairs to my flat. Harry helped me in and clambered me up the stairs to my room only for me to point to his. I started rambling and apologizing and saying that I was sorry and he could fuck me if he wanted.

  
He just replied with a “you’re just confused Lou, get some sleep” in the saddest voice I’d ever heard, even sadder than when I’d kicked him out. Then everything was black and I was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback make me happy! <3

Chapter 2:

_“Lou, I have to tell you something…. And I don’t want you to think of me any different because of this… our friendship means the world to me and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner… it’s just…” Curiosity got the better of me and I interrupted,_

_“Just tell me, Haz"_

  
    _His face paled a little bit before fidgeting with his hands in his lap and all in one breath he said,_  
 _“IlikeboysandIdon’tknowhowyoufeelaboutitbecausewe’d nevergottenonthistopicbutpleasedon’thatemebecauseI’mgay”_

  
 _It took me a while before I caught on to what Harry said, but one word stuck out at me the most- hate. I didn’t have a problem with it. In fact one of my friends from home was gay, so I didn’t see the big issue._

  
_“Okay”_

  
     _His eyes bulged out of their sockets. Out of all the responses he’d never expected this one._

  
  _“You’re not the first gay man I’ve met y’know.” I scoffed. Though I’d known many gay men in my life, they’d never been really out. They were always sneaking around and being secretive like they were still in the closet, like they needed to be ashamed. I wondered if Harry would feel the same way. I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted him to be as comfortable with me as any other guy would be. Because he was my best mate and because even if we didn’t win the X-Factor in a few weeks, I know we’d still be best friends._

  
   _“When did you come out?” I asked, seriously curious._

  
   _“To my friends, a few years ago. My family still doesn’t know.” He replied truthfully, still not believing my reaction to his news. Did he have experience with horrible reactions? Or perhaps my opinion on this subject means a lot to him because I’m his best mate. All I knew, was I was going to help him with this. He didn’t need to feel ashamed or hurt by people’s problems. Because I was his best friend… Forever._

    I awoke from that memory/dream with cold sweat trailing down my face. I realized I was in Harry’s room and had no idea how I’d gotten there. I closed my eyes and pushed my head back into the pillow and groaned. The beating headache reminded me of all the drinks I’d consumed the night before.

  
     Then the memory/dream haunted my mind as guilt reached through the curtains I’d drawn in my mind with the alcohol and pulled me down again. It tore at my seams as I realized I must have really hurt him. I’d been his best friend, and on top of that I’d told him I didn’t have problem with gays and that I would never hurt him. How was I supposed to be his best friend… but then again… I wasn’t anymore… was I?

  
     And that thought tore at my heart when realization hit me and regret came up my throat like bile. We weren’t best friends anymore. We didn’t even see each other outside of our One Direction interviews, signings, and concerts.

 

     I laid there in the bed for what felt like forever before a slight knock rattled the door. I grunted and waited for my thoughts to stop spinning in my head.

  
     A pair of brown eyes and a shaved head peeked around the door which was pulled slightly ajar.  
     I groaned and rubbed a hand down my face.

  
     “Yes, Liam?” I asked. A headache was starting to form behind my eyes.

  
    “We have an interview in about an hour; I came to make sure you were up. You weren’t answering my calls and Harry said you were pretty wasted last night.” His worried voice stabbed into my brain. The headache had turned on full force. I groaned.

  
     “Thank You.” I whispered, trying to calm my head. Then I thought of something.

  
    “Wait” I said loudly and yanking my upper body up. I groaned, but Liam stopped closing the door to look at me. “Did he say anything else?” I don’t know why it was so important for me to know, but I wanted to know what Harry was thinking after last night.

  
    “No, just that you were really fucked up… Louis, are you okay?”

  
    I sighed shaking my head. So Harry hadn’t told the lads about what I’d said or how I’d acted towards him. Why?  
    I didn’t have the time think about this! I got up slowly and proceeded to get ready.

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    Coming back from the interview, I was still nursing my hangover. I had just enough energy to set up the kettle and lean against the counter. Before I knew it, the kettle sounded and I turned to bring my cup to the table.

  
    I heard the sound of bare feet hitting the kitchen tiles and I mentally groaned. I had forgotten she was here. I seriously didn’t want her here. I know that’s bad to say considering she was my girlfriends and all, but I couldn’t think of her any other way. I didn’t even want her here anymore.

  
    I heard an angry sniff behind me and I turn to look at her. I raised my eyebrows up in question. I was really annoyed, but I couldn’t tell her that, as she was already angry with me.

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    “Fine!” She sniffed and exited the flat for the last time, throwing her duffle over her shoulder and into the taxi I’d called for her. I stood there, amazed, as the taxi started up and drove down the street. I still couldn’t believe the fight she’d started. I laughed at her stupidity, how she recklessly brought Harry into our argument. Saying how dare he be in our house last night, and how dare he try and make a move on me. I laughed at how wrong her statement was. I was pretty sure I made a move on him, not the other way around. All he’d done last night was help me into the house after being drunk off my ass.

  
    As I recalled him helping me into the house, I was baffled at how even after what I’d said to my Hazza, he would still help me out when I was in the need. I had gotten angry at El having an attitude over Harry as this thought crossed my mind. He was an amazing person, how dare she even try to taint his name.

  
    “If you can’t deal with the fact that Harry’s in my life, you should go… In fact… just go anyway! Get out! We’re over!” I’d said. I remembered the look on her face; she was stock still and wide eyed. I regretted it not one bit. I didn’t want her in my life if she was going to be jealous bitch over Harry.

  
    She still hadn’t moved, and that’s when I took it into my own hands. I called her a cab and then marched upstairs to our room and packed her duffle, throwing random pieces of clothing into it.  
     I didn’t regret it one bit. I wanted her out of my life.

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     Two Days Later  
     I still hadn’t told the boys that El and I were done. I didn’t really want to. It’s not like they would really care. I wasn’t hurting and I wasn’t sad, I saw no need for guidance or counsel. I just wanted to move on.

  
     This was what I was thinking about when Harry and I were left sitting on the truck landing after a signing and waiting for the van to appear. Zayn and Niall had walked to Nando’s and Liam had been walking away on the phone with Danielle.

  
     I found it really awkward because of our current situation. I didn’t even know what we were. It wasn’t like we were best friends anymore, what did that make us? Friends? Acquaintances? Bandmates? Finally, I couldn’t take the silence.  
     “Haz… Harry?” I asked. An awkward pause settles over us and I mentally groan as I realized that I wouldn’t get anything. Tears start pricking my eyes and I chance a glance at him. He was looking at me.

  
     “I’m so sorry. You have to know I never really meant all that I said, but I couldn’t take it back… it was already too late and I regret it every time I step into our flat. I just wanted you to know… I’m sorry.” I sighed, looking away.

  
    I’d noticed after all this time I’d still called it our flat. I wasn’t expecting him to respond, and I’m actually glad he didn’t, I didn’t know if I could take hearing his voice. I felt like I would break down. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, but I would ask for it anyway.

  
    “I know I hurt you, but could you forgive me?” I could even hear the regret clogging my throat as I said those last words. I sniffed, but then couldn’t take it any longer. Before Harry could say anything I took off. Running home, ignoring the stares of people all around.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

    Empty.

    Alone.

    Dirty.

    Nasty.

    Disgusting. I am disgusting.

    Deserving. What he did… I deserved it.

    I went out for a drink. I just needed to clear my head, get my mind off of everything. I couldn’t stop to think. All these thoughts inside my head were becoming too much. I just had to get my mind off of Harry. But I also needed to know.  

    I needed to know if I was that way. I needed to know if that dream wasn’t just from feeling guilty about kicking him out and calling him those names. To know if that dream wasn’t just because he was my best friend, but more because I was attracted to him.

    So, before I knew it I was drunk off my ass and pressed against the bathroom stall door kissing some guy. Somestranger I had no idea what his name was, how I even got acquainted with him in the first place, and lastly, I don’t remember how we even got to his place.  
  
Flashback:

  
    I was very intoxicated. I don’t remember the amount of pints I’d sucked down at the pub before getting into this club. I’d been getting drunk more regularly due to my guilt. I’d pondered this at the bar earlier in the day. I kind of wish Harry would save me again, like last time. I wished he would because then that would mean that he cared and that I would be forgiven.

    Suddenly I’m eyeing this complete stranger across the bar. He notices me looking, and starts to approach me, passing through the swarm of gyrating drunks like a shadow.

    “Hey,” Is his breathy reply to my questioning eyes as he reaches me. “You wanna go somewhere?” I remember faintly nodding, thinking that if I were to find out tonight, everything would be easier.

    Now that I think about it, I should have been more selective, or less trusting. Or perhaps I should have never gone back to his place with him for my first time, instead made it a quick fuck in the bathroom or something. But, all in all, it was my fault. I deserved everything that asshole did.

    I’ve read enough Larry fan-fics and learned enough from Harry’s experiences to know that even the first fuck is supposed to at least bring some sort of pleasure. This was my first time with a guy, but he was a faggot beater.

    He would fuck someone, and then beat them after because he was disgusted with what he did, convinced that the guy led him to do those things. I only discovered this after I’d already gotten into bed with him. I guess I deserved it though. It was like payback for calling Harry a faggot.

    He hit me pretty bad. I took it though. I deserved it. I had to make it right with Harry. I had to redeem myself for the awful things I said. I had to feel the pain I caused Harry.

    “Faggot!” He had yelled at me, and at that point I couldn’t take it. I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I ran through the 3 A.M. streets shirtless. I felt the morning air drying blood on my face.

     I don’t remember how I got home, only that I got lost on the way and that’s when the tears started.

    I remember stumbling up the stairs to the bathroom. I didn’t dare look at myself in the mirror. It was too hard. I didn’t want to realize how fucked up everything was. I didn’t want to remember anything from that night.

    I started a shower, pausing for a second to think about how Harry would be really mad if I woke him up, and then reminding myself that I was alone. Because, yet again, I fucked up. It was this point, in the shower, that I started crying, curling up into a ball and bawling my eyes out.

  
*End of Flashback*

  
    As the final amounts of blood and tears run down the drain, I prepare myself to move again. I’m numb with pain as I step out slowly. I grab a towel and rub all the water and red color from my skin. Tenderly patting at the scratches and aching bruises already forming.

    I carefully crawl into bed, lightly spreading the comforter over myself. And then the darkness takes control of my conscious as I pass out.  
  
    My eyes slowly open and I gaze at the sunlight peeking through the curtains. But that’s not what wakes me up. A slight nudge on my shoulder and a “Hey…Yo, Cunt wake up!” in a very Nialler way makes way to my mind and I slowly turn my head. Both Zayn and Niall take a collective gasp as they take in my features. I didn’t think I looked that bad in the morning, did I?

    I turn completely from my stomach sorely onto my side to address them. They cringe as they get a better view of me. Then I realize my face must really look a mess from last night.

  
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Zayn’s POV

  
    What. The. Fuck?

    Louis’ face looks like he was ran over by a bulldozer. What happened? Both his eyes are half shut due to black eyes, there’s a handprint on one side of his face, a cut on the other, his lips are chapped and bruised and his nose looks almost broken.

    I am unable to speak for a moment, but thankfully Niall does not experience the same problems, as he says,

    “What the fuck happened?”

    Louis just slowly moves his shoulder in what could only be thought of as an attempt at a shrug. I’m just able to stare at him in shock for a moment before his brows come together and an attempt at a frown becomes visible on his face. I inwardly cringe and wonder how he can’t show pain at having done that.

    “What are you doing here?” Louis finally asks. His voice is sore and cracked, almost invisible. His neck is bruised with what looks like another handprint. Who did this?

    Then I realized I’d been asked a question, and took a second to figure out what to say.

    “Mate, we’ve been ringing you for hours, you weren’t picking up. I used Harry’s old key to get in to make sure you’re okay. We were gonna go over to Nando’s for lunch but you didn’t answer. Harry’s downstairs making dinner.” I continued.

    As the thought of dinner rolls through Niall’s mind, he gets up and skips downstairs. As he is gone, I watch as Louis looks at the clock beside the bed. Yep, 5 P.M.

    Suddenly Louis gasps and freezes, his eyes just staring out at the duvet in front of him until tears start leaking down his cheeks. After a few moments of seeing this I get nervous. I wonder what is wrong. Louis then buries himself into his pillow and pulls his duvet around his head. At first I believe that he just wants to sleep some more or that he can’t get up because he hurts too badly. But then I hear a whimper, and Louis starts shaking.

    Inside I start freaking out, but I know what to do. I try to calm myself and act like Liam in this type of situation. Stay Calm. I know exactly what to do. I’d had to do the same thing to Harry when Louis kicked him out.

    I clamber onto the bed next to Louis and grasp him tightly. I press him into the bed, and whisper into his ear. I don’t even know what I am saying, focusing entirely on putting pressure on Louis.

    I keep pressure on him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear until he calms down. Finally something stuck into Louis’ brain and he stops shaking altogether, sitting ram rod straight. He sniffles into my neck and I hug him close. He clears his throat and asks in the sweetest smallest little kid voice imaginable,

    “How long does it take to tell if you have an STD?” I feel weak hearing this as a thousand thoughts go through my head as to the reason why he would need this information. My breath caught in my throat and I took a little while to answer, it’s not like I had ever had to know this information, I’ve always been good with condoms.

    “I don’t know mate, a few days maybe? I guess it would all depend on the type.” My crackly voice manages. “Why? Are you okay?” I almost don’t want to hear his response, because I know he wouldn’t be okay if he were asking me this question.

    “Yeah, I’m okay… can you help me up?” His small voice answers. I grip his arm and pull him gently so he is sitting up. Then I help him get his legs off the bed and stand. As his blanket drops from his body I notice he’s naked and his entire body is bruised and scratched.

    I watch as Lou staggers into the bathroom. Appraising his appearance, I realize he’s more like waddling, and I see a huge handprint on one of his ass cheeks.

_God, Lou._

    This concerns me immensely and I come to an understanding as to what happened. I feel light headed as I whisper, “Oh, Lou” in a sad voice. I wait for a while, wondering if he’s going to be okay. Physically I know he’ll be fine, but mentally… I’m not so sure. I hear Louis running the shower, and his whimper shakes me from my thoughts.

                 _Oh God, Lou. Oh God._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... tell me if this is bad? Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Chapter 4

_**He pressed up against me and it felt good for a strong man to be doing this to me. It felt right for him to be kissing me with this much force. There wasn’t so much intimacy as there was lust and need for a good fuck. All I wanted was more of him. I wanted to know what it was like to be with a man. I wanted him inside me.** _

_**His fingers tore off my belt in one swift movement, which in turn brought me closer to him. He cupped my butt in his hands and maneuvered my legs so our crotches were rubbing together.** _

_**“Clothes. Off. Now.” His gruff voice demanded as he let me go. I quickly stripped, suddenly eager and horny.** _

_**I didn’t let myself feel scared. I would not let my manliness take the hit if he found out how frightened I really was.** _

_**Naked and suddenly cold I waited for him to direct me, as he stood staring and taking in my body. And then he was there and I was on my stomach.** _

_**I was waiting for him to get me ready or I expected him to at least put some lube on his fingers and stretch me out. I was completely unprepared for him shoving his dry dick up my ass without so much as a word in warning.** _

_**I tensed and grunted loudly. Inside I was screaming. I clenched my muscles and breathed heavily. Tears sprung from the corners of my tightly screwed up eyes.** _

_**Not waiting any longer for me to get acquitted to his large cock tearing my asshole open, he slapped my ass hard before thrusting fast and painfully into me.** _

_**I whimpered in response to his activity. Without the prep of the lube it felt like his dick was a cylinder of spiked needles rubbing and grazing a freshly lemoned paper cut up through my ass.** _

_**Because I had a virgin ass, I was tight as all hell and his thick cock was tearing my insides apart. Every time he thrust back into me he was stretching me again and again, I felt like I was a balloon about to pop.** _

_**The fear started crawling up my back, hovering over all my nerves and senses, buzzing my entire body and making me feel like I should run. It felt all wrong, I should run. But I don’t. I make myself stay through this process. I make myself suffer through it. Not only because this man is bigger and stronger than me, but also because I have to redeem myself to Harry.** _

_**No matter how scared I am, no matter how wrong it feels, I also need to experience this myself to at least get some answers. So, I ride through the tearing of my insides, I live through the pain in my rear. I go through the tearing of my skin. I also live through the beating. Begging for it to be over, inside my head.** _

_**Throughout my entire sexual experience with this man, he was jabbing me with his fists to my stomach and my face. And suddenly the pain in my ass wasn’t too bad compared to the hand that was crushing my windpipe. I felt nothing but that hand for the longest time as he was still pumping into me.** _

_**Plowing into me with as much force as he could muster, his hand still snaked around my throat, I start to feel light headed and woozy from the lack of oxygen. I thought this was it… I was going to die.** _

_**As his thrusts were getting sloppy, he let go of my neck, his face was becoming scrunched up as moans rose from his mouth.** _

_**He suddenly hits me very hard on my ass as he thrusts inside me before his hot liquid spurted from the tip of his dick positioned deep inside my ass.** _

_**As he came, he squeezed me around the waist with his hands so hard there were handprints left behind. Swiftly he retracted his dick and gave me the most disgusted look he could muster.** _

_**I found myself being dragged off the bed and flung around the room. Landing on my back; I groaned. And then the pain of everything began. He kicked me, flung me, and punched me. At one point I couldn’t feel my face and then abruptly he was off me.** _

_**“Faggot!” He spat at me before going into the adjoining bathroom, and shoving the door closed.** _

_**As he busied himself in the bathroom, I took my time trying to find the ability to move. But, the moment I heard him coming out, I hurried as best I could.** _

_**I grabbed my jeans and flung them on me (cringing at the feeling of blood- or his cum- flowing and trickling out of my ass and down my leg).** _

_**I didn’t care about anything else. I didn’t care that I wasn’t wearing underwear or a shirt. I didn’t pay attention to the cold.** _

_**I ran.** _

_**I didn’t care that my entire body ached and my asshole felt ripped apart.** _

_**I ran.** _

_**I felt pure adrenaline rushing through me, fear welling inside me, and horror at what I had just been through.** _

_**I paused for a moment and leant against a telephone pole, puking my guts out (whether from the horror or the alcohol I couldn’t tell) and I began running again.** _

_**Anywhere. Anywhere away.** _

_**Far away from that man.**_  
    

    I woke up in a daze, shocked and sweating. I was haunted by this same memory every night for the last few days. The horrible things that happened are replayed under my eyelids for me when I sleep. As I shook my thoughts out of my head and wiped a tear from my cheek, I heard the boys downstairs. They’d been coming in my flat a lot lately since they saw my bruises. 

    In the last few days I’d taken the time to heal my wounds. Emotional and physical. I’d told the other boys that I’d been mugged and that was it. And in truth it was more believable than saying I was faggot beaten. Who would wanna confess to experiencing that?

    Zayn has kept my secret, so far. I’m starting to believe that he’s a good secret keeper. He is going to bring me to the clinic today for the testing.  
  


    We made an excuse that we wanted to make a big dinner at my place later and that we’d need supplies. The boys believe that we’re planning on making an amazing meal… well, Zayn is… I can’t cook for shit. We had to say that because Niall kept wanting to go with us, even going on his hands and knees and begging at Zayn’s feet (which I thought was odd, but said nothing about it).

    While the boys believe that Zayn and I are at the supermarket, we really just disappear for a long time. So long, in fact, that Niall called Zayn up when we were in the waiting room, wondering where we were.  
  
    While in the waiting room, many things were going through my head. What would they test? Did they need my blood or did they need to do one of those things they do on girls; a pap-smear? Was there a special kind of test for those who have engaged in anal sex? I was horrified that I would have to get a pap-smear, it looked really painful. I looked at Zayn out of the corner of my eye; he was studying a ‘Rape’ pamphlet.

    “I wanted it.” I said quietly. He hadn’t asked what happened, so I assumed that he thought I had been raped, due to my beating. 

    “What?” He asked, looking up at me.

    “I went home with him, I let him fuck me. I wanted it… I’m gay.” I said, unable to look him in the eye. Shame trickled up my spine, was this how Harry felt telling me? Zayn put down the pamphlet,

    “Okay.”  
      
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
    Walking out of the clinic, I felt a little rough. I’d been blood tested and pee tested, I’d even been swabbed. As there was really no history of HPV in my family and the blood test could show whether or not I would have it, I was thankfully ineligible to have the anal pap-smear (which is used only for finding anal cancer caused by HPV).

    I wanted to get tested for everything from HIV to genital herpes or the clap. The blood work on that would betremendous as they had to individually check it for each case. I knew it would be a while before I would get the results back from the tests.

    When we reached the car I immediately felt exhausted and eventually drifted off, as I found myself woken by Zayn shoving grocery bags into the back seat.

    Noticing my questioning glances at the bags he stated, “I just kinda grabbed random stuff off the shelves as an excuse as to why we were taking so long.” I just nodded and watched out the car window as we headed for my flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

    It’s been two weeks since the ‘mugging’ and I’ve healed pretty well enough for me to do a concert. In the last two weeks I’d been nursed and cared for by all of the boys, they’d even decided to move in with me after they found out about my nightmares. I sometimes feel as if they’re more scared than I am.

    In actuality I’m more scared of the upcoming concert, my first one since the ‘mugging’, than of what happened or the possibility of it happening again (as the boys are).

    Then, it’s here, the day I’d been dreading. I didn’t know why I was so scared, just that it absolutely terrified me to the core.

    I’d been flittering around all morning, trying to keep my mind off of what was to come, up until the boys started getting ready. As it was an afternoon concert in the park, they had to make extra sure they were decent looking, i.e. covering up pimples, fixing their hair appropriately, or even just finding the right outfit. Because it was in the park, there wasn’t so much of a backstage so we were given the responsibility to do our own makeup and clothing.

    As I walked down the hall to my room I noticed Zayn and Niall in the bathroom doing their hair. I continued on for a few steps before backtracking and glancing back into the bathroom. _Niall_ was doing _Zayn’s_ hair. Hell must have frozen over. Zayn _never_ let anyone other than our stylists touch his hair. Huh… must have lost a bet or something.

    I stare into my closet, trying to pick out the best outfit and focusing on that over the ever-closer concert. Stripes or plain white? Braces or not? Tough decision in the long run. The only real decision I’d finalized was I was wearing my red pants. I couldn’t even decide which color TOMS I wanted to wear. And suddenly I was breathing heavily, the room around me becoming blurry. _Why was I freaking out over a concert? We’ve been doing them for over three years now!_

    I calmly got my breathing under control and steadied my ever racing heart. I sat down on my bed and began to counsel myself. You are okay, Louis, it’s just a concert; _it’s not going to eat you_.

    I finally manage to get myself to pick something to wear and head downstairs, passing the bathroom now seeing Zayn styling Niall’s hair. _Huh… I still don’t recall hell freezing over._ Strange things I’m now seeing as the boys are living with me.

    I walk into the kitchen to see Harry at the stove with a pot of water boiling. He worked in the kitchen like he’d never left. Everything was still in the same spot (as I couldn’t cook and hardly ever touched anything anyway), so it made sense that he would whip around the kitchen with familiarity.

    Suddenly the guilt was washing through me again. I should really get that checked out. And I mentally counseled myself again, reasoning that I couldn’t have a guilt freak out in front of the boys.

    After a few minutes, Harry notices me staring at him from the doorway and passes me a plate of pasta. I study his facial features before saying anything, trying to analyze how he would be acting around me from now on, wondering if we could have a future civil conversation.

    “Thanks.” I say in the most nonchalant voice I could muster, trying to keep the emotions at bay. As I sat at the table and started twirling the pasta around my fork, I heard feet running down the stairs. Niall’s voice calling, “FOOOD!” made me smile. 

    Harry chuckled at the counter; he stood there with a full plate waiting for Niall to grab it. It was at this I noticed how caring Harry really was. How had I not noticed that before? This gave me another reason to be guilty for kicking him out. _But he’s back now, idiot, so shut up._  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
    The crowd was absolutely buzzing. I don’t know why I was so scared; I’d hit every note and solo perfectly, even better than previous concerts.

    Afterwards we were in the car heading to Nando’s, as Niall had whined and begged Zayn and Liam enough to get what he wanted. Harry and I just chuckled at his Nially-ness and went along with their trek to Nando’s.

    Currently Niall and Liam were arguing over which football team won the 2006 world cup. Niall stated that it was France and Liam stated that it was Germany. Neither had looked it up on their phones because they each thought themselves as right. Both Harry and I knew the answer as that had been Harry’s first football experience with his Grandfather Cox. At this recognition, both he and I were staring at each other from across the table. Harry had a twinkle in his eye; I had a grin plastered on my face. Neither Niall nor Liam were correct. 

    “Actually,” I supplied, “it was Italy.” Both Niall and Liam looked at me. I just kept my eyes on Harry, a wide smile across my face.

    While this was all going on, Zayn sat quietly watching the entire scene unfold, paying close attention to the way Harry and I were looking at each other. I would have to talk to him later about this. What was going through his head?  
  


    At home, both Zayn and Niall went to bed early and Liam stepped out to call Danielle, so it left Harry and I to stand awkwardly around.

    “You wanna play some Fifa?” I asked to break the silence. I was actually wondering if Harry would agree, he wasn’t much of a football fan-not like Niall and I- and I still didn’t know where we stood regarding our friendship.

    Harry stared at me for a good minute or so, possibly trying to figure out what was going through my head. I sighed and started heading towards the couch, hoping Harry would make up his mind before I had to play alone.

    “Okay.” I heard from behind me and I smiled.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
    We were all hanging out in the living room watching _The Inbetweener's Movie_ as it was my turn to pick. We’d come to the conclusion that we’d go in order from oldest to youngest to choose a movie for movie night. As they’d practically moved in here, I thought it fitting to give some order to the chaos that five boys in one flat could create.

    I sat and watched the movie for a while before noticing a piece of mail on the coffee table. As I wasn’t the only one to receive mail here anymore, yet I was the only one with the key, it took me a minute to understand how the mail got from my box to the table. _Liam must have made a copy_.

    “Who got mail?” I asked out of the blue as Simon said something funny on the television.

    “I did, noticed you hadn’t.” Liam replied as if this was a general occurrence.

    “Thanks.” I said as I began opening the seal. Niall started laughing as Jay did some awkward stunt.  
  
 _Dear Mr. Tomlinson,_  
 _As per request, we have sent this letter to inform you that your test results are in. If you no longer wish to know the results please contact us, otherwise, please see us at your earliest convenience…._  
 **Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.**

    Shakily standing up, I make my way to the kitchen and sloppily sit on the counter. I don’t want to break down in front of the boys, but it’s not like I can escape them. 

    I eye the letter again, waiting for it to finally register inside my brain. I felt numb. I imagined what it would be like to walk in there for the results. Would it be good or bad news? Oh god. What if I have something? What if its herpes- you can never recover from that! Oh god! What if it’s one of those diseases where you have to tell everyone you come in contact with that you have it! Oh god! What if...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Harry’s POV- 

    Once Lou began to leave, Zayn’s head snapped up and regarded the letter in Louis’ hands in recognition. Immediately Zayn follows him into the kitchen. What is so secret? What’s wrong with Louis? Something definitely isn’t right here.

    I slowly follow behind them, feeling Niall’s eyes on my back.

    Louis is sitting on the counter in the far corner of the kitchen just staring at the wall. His brows are pulled tight together and a scowl is prominent on his face. What’s so wrong?

    “Lou?” Zayn asks cautiously. Louis doesn’t seem to react at all. I begin to worry that something is mentally wrong just by the tone Zayn is using with him.

    “What are you doing tomorrow?” Louis asks harshly, his face not changing from its sullen frown.

    “Nothing.”

    “Can you come with me?” Lou asks in his small boy voice. Something has got to be wrong! Why haven’t either of them said anything to the rest of us? A sick feeling settles itself in my stomach.

    “Of course” I was even more confused than before; there was definitely something they weren’t telling me.

    I didn’t want to be caught eves dropping, this sounded like a conversation Louis would never forgive me for hearing. So, before I get caught I decide to let my presence be known. Besides, it seemed as if I wouldn’t get any other kind of information out of listening to them.     

    “Lou?” I speak up, making sure my voice sounds surprised. I watched Louis jump at my voice. He immediately composes his face and changes his mood. This makes me even more aware of whatever he was hiding from me.

    Zayn looks at me guiltily, as if he knows I want to know if things are wrong. After a moment he heads back into the living room, leaving Louis and me to talk.

    “Everything’s okay.” Louis tells me in the fake voice I knew all too well. Louis didn’t like to admit when things weren’t alright, he viewed receiving help as weakness, he felt as if he could deal with everything alone. I was so used to his fake voice I could pick it out anytime of the year.

    At that, Louis follows Zayn’s path back out to the living room. Sighing, I retreat back as well. I keep a special eye on Louis throughout the rest of the night, trying to figure out if he really is okay or if he was going to be okay.

    I notice he is fidgeting a little more than usual, and keeps looking at Zayn which really annoys me. I used to be his best friend, he would tell me everything. But then again… My memories of that night flash through my mind. I flinch and push it all away. _It’s in the past, he didn’t mean it. He apologized._ I just didn’t like how Louis could now confide in Zayn but blatantly lie to me.

    And this is when I realize I’m no longer Louis’ best friend. And because I am not longer his best mate, it’s really none of my business, but I’m just so damn curious and concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me feel wanted (:


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_Harry’s POV-_

    I was up before I wanted to be; early, the birds and the sun hitting my senses through the open window. I wasn’t much of a morning person, but seeing as I was really the only one who could cook I found myself up more in the early mornings than not.

    I groan as I think about getting out of bed, but I know that now I’m up I won’t be able to go back to sleep. Liam has no problem with that, as he kicks me into silence and rolls over.

    I rub a hand down my face contemplating at least attempting to go back to sleep. As laying there listening to silence and restlessly going nowhere doesn’t sound appealing, I carefully (as to not jostle Liam into kicking me again) push myself off the bed.

    Since there’s no way I’m getting back to sleep now, I shuffle down the hall and into the kitchen, _might as well start on breakfast._ I love cooking for the boys, especially Niall.

    As I head downstairs so many thoughts circulate in my head. Most of them jumbled and relating to each other, but all of them revolving around one sole entity; Louis. What are we now? Where is our relationship going? Do we count as friends again?

    I enter the kitchen, turning my thoughts quickly to what I’m going to make for the boys. I’d done pancakes the morning before, but I hadn’t done waffles in what felt like ages. I wonder if Louis’ moved the waffle iron around. I wouldn’t think s- I stop short at the sight in front of me.

    Louis sat there on the counter, a repeat from last night. He is staring into space with a cup of tea sitting in between his legs. His eyes are unfocused, and he is in deep thought as he hadn’t heard me come in. He is so distant, which makes me suspect whatever secrecy that was budding was big and last night wouldn’t be the last appearance of this new Louis. He seems as if he’s in another world, his thoughts and expressions consumed by this big black secret.

    I don’t know what to say to him, what do I say? _Hey, we’re not really friends anymore but if you have something to talk about, I’m worried you’re keeping a secret from me and I want to know what it is… so… spill_. Yeah, that would go well.

    I want to be his mate; to be able to talk to him again. I want to keep all his secrets; to be the one taking him places. I want to be the one he confides in; be the one that knows everything. I want it to not be awkward between us; for us to be able to stay in the same room and not act like complete strangers.

    Though I wished for all these things to come true, I knew they would never happen. After all, he didn’t want to be best mates anymore; he didn’t even ask me, all he asked for was my forgiveness.

    And it was here that I realized that _I_ had been staring into space as well. I’d been frozen where I’d stood and having Louis curiously watching me. I snap out of it the best I could and address Louis before he could ask me any questions.

    “What would you like for breakfast?” I ask hesitantly. He shifts and lifts his mug of tea from between his legs indicating that was all he was having.

    “I don’t think I could eat right now. Not feeling too well.” _I bet you’re not, you secret keeper_. I turned to fetch the waffle iron as I heard this statement pour from his lips.

    “Okay.” I would leave it at that for now. But I was just too curious to wait for long. I’d find out eventually.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
    Eventually came sooner than expected. Later in the day, I’d been chilling on the couch when I heard Niall come up and sigh behind me. 

    “What’s wrong?” I asked. He gave me a ‘what else’ look before explaining.

    “Zayn and Louis keep disappearing on me! I wanted to go to Nando’s too, but they said I couldn’t come!” He huffed. I perked up at this. _Was this the secret? The ‘what are you doing tomorrow, can you come with me’ place?_

    “I’m sorry Nialler, maybe they’re doing something special for you and you just can’t see it yet?” I halfway made an excuse for them as I gathered my keys in my hand. 

    “Did they just leave? I think I’ll catch up to see if they need a hand.” I state and walk out the door without a response from Niall. I was giddy with anticipation. In a few minutes I would get to know the secret, I would get to know what was bothering Louis. I would get to find out exactly what he can’t tell me. What _Zayn_ can’t tell even _Niall_.

    I turned out of the drive and glided down the street, noticing old Mr. Gellis gardening and Mrs. Mikenna mowing her lawn despite the crisp April air.

    At the end of the street I took a left turn towards Nando’s, hoping they’d still be on this route. As I was almost giving up hope, having not seen or glimpsed Louis’ car, I noticed a familiar looking brown tuft of hair standing by his car at the entrance of the building across the street.

    I quickly pulled over on the other side of the road (to keep from being noticed). I was parked across from a brick building that I recognized immediately as the clinic. _Wait…What?_ Why is Louis going to the clinic?

    In the driver’s seat is Zayn, he looks serene and concerned as he allows Louis to proceed into the building alone. Zayn pulls the car from the entrance and continues through the car park searching for an empty space.

    I just sat there in my car as Zayn swiftly exits his vehicle and makes his way into the building, hoping to catch up to Louis. _I can’t believe this! This is insane!_ Why does Zayn look so concerned? Zayn doesn’t usually show his worried or concerned expressions unless he was so worried that he couldn’t find it in himself to hide it. This must be bad.

    Why would Louis need to go to the clinic? It all just didn’t add up. Is it bad? Oh god! What if he isn’t okay?  I immediately began hyperventilating. I needed to breathe, but I couldn’t concentrate around the fact that there was something wrong with Louis.

    Alarms in my head rang out, but I ignored them as my mind was too consumed on Louis’ condition to really care about how well I was breathing. I just wanted Louis to be breathing fine.

    I needed to control myself; I needed to get myself in check, in case he needed me. What if he did need me? And I was breathing heavily again, a ringing in my ears began. _You need to breathe!_

    I’m so horrified that Louis has something wrong with him. I mean… if he’s going into the clinic then there’s obviously something wrong.

    So I sit, parked, wracking my brain and thinking back to this morning and last night and the last few weeks that I’d been around Louis more. I needed to figure out what was wrong. 

    I’d come to the conclusion that all Louis’ problems or worries started around the time he got that letter in the mail. So, there was something in the letter that had him worried for his safety? Something in that letter made Louis scared. I couldn’t deduce who the letter was from or how in any way the information contained in a _letter_ could create this type of response.

    Louis hadn’t been acting any weirder than usual before or after the mugging. Why would he need to go to the clinic? He obviously wasn’t pregnant, he didn’t need condoms (as there was a complete pack in the bathroom that I found while searching for soap- not that the need for condoms would give Zayn that look of concern). There could only be one other real reason for going to the clinic. _NO!_ Eleanor had always been safe with Louis, and Louis would never cheat on her. What is going on?

    Something wasn’t right. I just had to think about what happened in the last few weeks for Louis to need to go to the clinic. 

    Well, Louis and Zayn had started being closer than usual, which was something Niall had no idea why… this meant that Zayn was keeping something from him. What would create Zayn to do that? He usually told Niall everything.

    Zayn and Louis started getting closer after he was mugged. Louis wouldn’t talk about it, but I had a feeling Zayn knew most of the story. It would seem that Louis would tell him just about everything at the moment. After all, he told Zayn everything. Maybe Louis was beat up by a group of people. _Hah! The Wanted anyone?_ :P Or perhaps it was much worse than that. Perhaps Louis was in need of more attention than he let on about his injuries. 

    It hit me like a car. In one second I understood. All those bruises, the scratches in places you wouldn’t expect them to be (like the back of his legs) if he were wearing jeans, and the way Louis had been walking the week after (the explanation that his whole body hurt and he bruised his tail bone seemed like an amiable reason if he was mugged) all led to one thing. This wasn’t the supposed mugging. _Louis was raped!_

    Raw horror struck me as the tears streamed down from my eyes. I couldn’t believe it, but the evidence suggested it was true. No. It couldn’t be true, but every scenario that came into my head just pointed that this was the only explanation that fit. Oh god!

    How could Louis even look at me this morning? _I’m a gay man!_ How could Louis look at me and not feel sorrow or intimidation or disgust? How could he not be reminded that he was ass raped?! How had he survived these last few weeks in the _same room_ with me, _making conversation_ with me? Oh my god!

    I can’t handle this! Oh god! I have to get home! I took a quick glance at the entrance determining that neither Lou nor Zayn would be coming out and see me driving away. I would need to get home before they did anyway.

    I start my car and signal into traffic. It’s more difficult to navigate on the road with tears in my eyes. I took the long way home; I needed to dry my eyes before I made an appearance back at the house. The other boys can’t know. I know I will have to hide it the moment I get home, so I let the tears freely stream down my face now. I can’t let Louis know that I know. I can’t act differently.

    It wasn’t my place to know that Louis was raped; it wasn’t even my part to be there for him (though I desperately wanted to be) because he hadn’t even confided in me. I understood now, why he didn’t tell me. It still hurt, but I understood. Louis knows I’m gay, of course he can’t confide in me about this. _I’m surprised he’s able to stay in the same house as me._  
  
Louis’ POV-

    Turns out I had a slight case of Gonorrhea. The doctor even said that he didn’t think I received it anally, which means that I might have gotten it from kissing someone. But as far as I can remember, I never kissed anyone besides El and that horrid man in the last year.

    Either way, he said that until my medication (that he gave me to treat the disease) started working I might feel a slight burning while I pee, otherwise any and all other symptoms should not occur. I felt a huge wave of relief roll right through me. Don’t get me wrong, of course having an STD scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to have it, but compared to everything in my head… I was okay. I’d been so worried that I’d conjured up all these major diseases I could have had in my head. I had been expecting the worst.

    I was given Azithromycin tablets and told to take them every day. And that was that. End of. It shouldn’t return unless I came in contact with another strand of the bacteria.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
    I began to suspect that Harry had seen my medication or something, how else could you explain that Harry’d been avoiding me all the last week.

    It all started when I came back from the clinic. We’d stopped off at Nando’s to keep up the appearance that we were there the whole time. We’d picked Niall up something and headed home. All the way, Zayn kept glancing at me, trying to see if I was okay.

    Honestly, I’d had a little internal freak out when I’d heard. But I’d quickly gotten over it and put on a mask of composure and put all my effort into curing myself.

    The first thing out of his Niall’s mouth was “I MISSED YOU!” and he proceeded to tackle both Zayn and I to the ground, wrestling Zayn for the Nando’s in his hand.

    “Glad it was me you missed.” Zayn said sarcastically, ruffling Niall’s hair. Niall ducked out of his reach and proceeded to run upstairs. Zayn follows him up chuckling at his antics.

    Harry’d been in his room when I’d come home, but as soon as I’d shut my door; I’d heard him tromp down the stairs.

    I assumed he was going to start on some sort of gourmet food he was always making that would take hours to prepare, but then I heard the front door close and I started to get concerned.

    Why did Harry leave? Why did he leave only after he heard me shut my door? Only after I got home? Is he avoiding me? What did I do? Guilt, which I hadn’t felt in a while, ran up my spine. _Hold on, relax, Louis. You’re jumping to conclusions, you have no idea what is going through his head. It might not even have to do with you._ And I calmed myself and continued on with restocking my medicine cabinet so my new medication could fit.

    I had been calm for most of the rest of the night, up until Harry came home. He seemed all fine and dandy, but there were many times I’d tried to catch his eye, but he’d just avoid me. Now I knew something was wrong.

    He acted naturally, but subtly avoided me at all costs. I don’t think any of the boys noticed, but I did. Perhaps the reason none of the boys noticed was that he had been doing this from the beginning and I just hadn’t noticed until now. Or I was just more attuned to his lack of acknowledgement.

    I had been elated when we’d started hanging out and talking again, but then again he might have just done that to make our living arrangement tolerable. After all, he hadn’t forgiven me. As much as I wanted him to, I didn’t blame him for not doing so.

    “What do you think, Lou?” Liam turned to me. I blinked and glanced around the room. The boys were all staring at me.

    “About what?” I asked, and Zayn gave me an understanding pitying look. He thought I had been thinking about my issue from earlier. _God, I can’t even say it._

    “We’re you even listening?” Liam asked.

    “Sorry… guess I’m just tired.” I responded and gazed at Harry.

    “Speaking of being tired. I’m off to bed.” He said as if my gazing at him was his cue to leave. He made a hasty exit before any of us could even protest.

    I watched him go upstairs, waiting until he made it up all the way before beginning to make myself a lengthy exit. I wanted to avoid his avoidance, so I devised a plan to avoid him in the hallway. No doubt he was taking a shower.

    I made my way to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea before bed. “This’ll calm me down” I muttered to myself as I started the kettle. 

    “Are you going to be okay?” Zayn asked behind me.

    Startled, I whirled around and glanced behind him through the open doorway to Niall and Liam in mid-conversation. Seeing they didn’t hear anything, I sighed in relief.

    “Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?” I dumbly asked. Seriously, the fact that I had an STD was no longer even on my mind. He gave me a funny look, but pulled me into a hug. Apparently I really needed it, because I found myself hugging back with all my strength, it was something I desperately needed at the moment.

    Suddenly I was emotional and tears were soaking Zayn’s shirt. Those tears represented my guilt at saying all those mean things to Harry, the not-so-amazing first time, the beating I’d endured, and Harry’s avoidance, which felt like rejection.

    When I was all cried out, I realized Liam and Niall were watching from the living room; Liam with a curious look, Niall with a shocked look on his face.

    Embarrassed, I let go of Zayn and proceeded to fill my tea and take it up to my room. Now I was the one avoiding.

    Throughout the week, Harry would leave with minimal contact between us. He would return late into the night, if not, he would head up to his room and hang out there the rest of the night.

    His outings started coming out on TMZ, in the magazines or even online. They spread like wildfire. Harry was out with a 5 Seconds of Summer band member, Harry was out with Josh, or the latest; Harry was out with Taylor Swift (his newest beard). Tonight though, it was different. Many reporters online had reported spotting Harry with an unidentified male at a bar. Was he on a date?

    I start to think about it, the reason why Harry would avoid me, and this was it. Harry hadn’t forgiven me, but most importantly, he was avoiding me because he can’t stand to be around the guy who hates gays.

     _But he doesn’t know that if I were to really hate gays, I’d have to hate myself as well._  
  
Harry’s POV-

    Since my realization of the rape, I’d gone out of my way to avoid him. I tried to separate myself from Louis so he could stay away from ‘fags’ that could possibly rape him. I wouldn’t do anything of the sort. Don’t get me wrong, I would totally shag him, who wouldn’t? He’s fit as fuck! But knowing what I do, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him with my dick.

    So, that’s what I was doing; staying away to give him heal time away from all the ‘fags’ he know of. I wouldn’t dare tell him Joe was gay- he didn’t need to know the ones in the closet, they wouldn’t hurt him, and as long as he knew that, he was fine.

    I don’t know how long I’ll wait before coming back into his life, if he wants me. I just know that right now… he doesn’t need me reminding him of what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy! (: Hint-double-hint!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Sorry this chapter was so short- I just lacked… umphf or motivation or whatever… lacked the staying power of writing this- I may edit this eventually or add to it or whatever- either way… this is all I’ve got for now. None of this story is edited at all _as you can probably tell so… sorry_. I can feel the writer’s block slowly come back to me- I am fighting it as much as possible. Gah! And this is now a pointless paragraph… get to it!

**Chapter 7**

_Liam’s POV-_

    It’s been two weeks since Harry started going out more frequently. At first I hadn’t really noticed the reason behind it, I mean, yeah so what if Harry was going out with friends. We weren’t his entire world. 

    Really, I wouldn’t have noticed it at all had I not seen what it was doing to Louis. Then I noticed how he would only do it when Louis was around.

    He was perfectly fine when he was just hanging out; when Louis went home for a few days last week, and again when Niall and Louis went to a football game, and even when Louis went with Joe McElderry to a concert. He would hang out with Zayn, Niall, and I, like nothing was going on with him.

    After I realized that Harry was avoiding Louis, it was like it stuck out like a sore thumb, I could see it from a mile away. This made me wonder what else I hadn’t noticed between them. I began to see that every time Louis enters a room or is heard from the hallway, Harry stiffens up or stops what he’s doing and suddenly finds an excuse to either go up to his room or out.

    What really got me though, was Louis noticed this too and watched Harry exit with sad eyes. It’d gotten to the point where he knew the moment he’d enter a room, Harry would leave. It had gotten to a point where Louis would text me or one of the guys to see if Harry was in the room and ask if he was enjoying himself. If he was, he would silently leave the house without interrupting his fun. So this is how, depending on who was in the living room first, Louis and Harry never saw each other.

    That is, until Louis got tired of avoiding Harry’s evasion. Louis began just going back to how it was, he would enter a room and Harry would leave. He would be enjoying himself and Harry would escape to his room. 

    This is where I decided to step in; after all… they were best mates. Even when they were fighting or when Louis kicked him out, neither of them acted like this… what was so different this time?

    Louis started to head out when I pulled him into the kitchen. I knew Harry wasn’t here so we could have a conversation without him walking in. I needed to get to the bottom of this. This was not how we were supposed to act and I refused to let them continue on this way.

    “So… spill,” I began. I expected him to put up a fight. “What’s going on with you and Harry? And don’t say ‘nothing’.” He looks over at me with an apprehensive expression.

    “I don’t know.” He said in exasperation, sighing and slumping his shoulders in defeat, “I thought everything was fine…” He started but paused as he saw the ‘not buying it’ look I gave him.

    “I realized last week that he hasn’t forgiven me… for what I said… maybe he thinks I hate him.” He responded.

    He continues explaining to me what happened between them, what he said. I was so shocked that he’d ever even said any of those things to Harry. I hadn’t seen it coming at all. Louis used to be okay with it, and even if he explained how he’d just been fed up with the _Elounor_ Haters out there, he’d always joked about Harry bringing home blokes so I didn’t understand the change in attitude. It all explained how hurt Harry had been.

    After he told me everything, Louis was all worn out that he just trudged upstairs and into bed. In everything he’d said there’d been so much regret. What I didn’t understand is the fact that Harry hadn’t forgiven him. Louis had explained and apologized and I even knew Harry would have forgiven him in a heartbeat because a friendship like that doesn’t just die out.

    I wanted to hear both sides of the story so I waited up for Harry. I didn’t know how long he would be out. Usually I would be asleep before he even crawled into bed, not that I was that much of a night owl to begin with.

     _A few hours later_

    I’ve been waiting up for hours. I almost feel as if Harry isn’t going to come home tonight which concerns me immensely. If they’re not coming home the boys are supposed to call at least one of us.

    Yeah, sure, sometimes he would forget back in the day, but Louis would usually be all over it with an “Where art thou?” text.

    I was almost in full panic mode by the time reached 1:30 A.M. We had a midnight rule! Why was I the only one who followed any of the rules!?

    I fretted about for another 40 minutes, imagining Harry’s death or Harry getting caught by the pap’s in a gay club. My blood pressure must be sky high by this point.

    Then, finally, I heard Harry’s key in the lock. I immediately rounded on him the moment he stepped in, which may have been a mistake as his face paled.

    I hadn’t even waited for him to get into the door before I angrily growled,

    “Where have you been? I’ve been worried! God! You don’t think to text me do you?!”

    At the understanding of the topic and realizing it was me who was yelling at him, he let out a relieved breath.

    “Sorry… flashback.” He murmured the last part to himself as he turned to go down the hall. I immediately felt sorry for him and regretted snapping at him.

    I pulled him into the kitchen to talk. I knew immediately at looking at his face that this was going to be a long night.

    “Why have you been avoiding Louis… and don’t say it was because of what he said, he already apologized and it’s in the past.” I knew all the boys by heart and so I could immediately see what they would rub off as an excuse.

    “I don’t know what…” He began.

    “Save the bullshit for someone else, Harry.” I interrupted in the most annoyed voice I’d ever created. I was actually appalled at my voice. Harry stared at me in shock before responding,

    “Look, I’m only looking out for his safety. He needs some space because of the…” his lips twitched as he continued, “ _mugging_.” He said in the weirdest voice I’d ever heard from his lips. God this was so strange.

    “What are you talking about? Louis’ perfectly fine, except feeling that you hate him for some odd reason… Now I wonder how he could have gotten _that_ impression, because you’re not blatantly avoiding him or anything.” My voice oozing with sarcasm. I don’t know where all that attitude had come from; I’m not usually the one with the sass. That’s Louis’ department.

    Harry looked at me with a mixture of shock, regret, and amusement.

    “If he has such a problem, why doesn’t he talk to me about it?” He countered and I snorted.

    “When? You are never in the same room as him… you have shit for an excuse and you know it, so stop being such an ass.” And at that I head up to our room. I was tired and just wanted everything to be good again. Perhaps I’d knocked some sense into Harry.  
  
 _Louis’ POV-_

    Ever since my conversation with Liam earlier I’d been having trouble finding a comfortable thought process to fall asleep to; all my thoughts kept circling back to Harry. 

     _Speak of the devil._ The front door closes and Harry makes his way inside at god, what time is it? _2 A.M.?_ Well, now is as better a time as any for our conversation. I’m going to confront Harry about him avoiding me.

    I get myself out of bed I’d been tossing and turning in, and head downstairs. I make my way through the living room to the kitchen. I’d heard Harry’s footsteps in there as I’d made it to the bottom step. 

    As I near the kitchen door, I hear Liam beating me to it. He’s got an annoyed voice on, which isn’t something he usually has, _always the peacemaker._ Liam must know something I don’t. That could be the only case. 

    I hear Harry talking about my safety, his response to Liam saying that my ‘mugging’ was the reason he was staying away. I snort, yeah that’s why he’s being a douche, of course it’s _my_ fault. But then I stop. I could have sworn I’d heard a weird change of tone from Harry when he’d said ‘mugging’. 

    I feel the blood drain from my face. _Oh God No!_ My world is crashing around me, over top of me, suffocating me. _Harry knows!_ But how?!?! _ZAYN!!!_ That could be the only explanation.

    I spin around and trudge my body up the stairs, ignoring Liam’s response. I needed to talk to him _NOW_. I couldn’t believe that Zayn would even say anything about the ‘mugging’ to Harry. I knew they had been close, and he had taken care of Harry after I’d kicked him out. What was this, some sort of redemption? I’d already paid letting that man do those things to me! 

    Tears ran down my cheeks as I’d made it to the top of the stairs. _How could he?_

    Without knocking, without any sort of preparation as to what I was going to say, I open his door and storm in.     No preparation in the world would have helped me or protected my eyes from what I saw next.

    There, in the middle of the room stood Niall, the strangest face imaginable contorting his expression of pleasure. He was naked. Now, this wasn’t what I needed protecting from, this wasn’t what made me stop in my tracks and want to die.

    Niall was plowing into Zayn in full force as Zayn was draped on his back on their bed. Niall’s hand gripped and tugged on Zayn’s hair. Zayn whimpered, “Oh GOD! ...Daddy! Right there!” at this, a scared squeak is released from my mouth as I stand there, completely shocked and frozen with my eyes wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, comments make me feel good about myself (even if it's constructive criticism! hmu!).


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for it's shortness- I tried to add more but it just didn't fit within the main reason for the chapter.

Chapter 8  
Harry’s POV-

     _Eight Hours Earlier_

    I just couldn’t deal with it, Louis had suddenly been everywhere again. Sure, I’d felt guilty because I had been avoiding him, but then I realized that he’d liked not being around _the fag_ \- he’d liked being away from me because of who I am. So when he started hanging around the house again I couldn’t handle the fact he would be reminded of what happened because of my sexuality.

    I had been doing this for what felt like such a long time. I couldn’t handle being in my room while he was home, I’d hear his magical laugh ring up through the hallway and I’d find myself desperately wanting to join him. So, I began going out more and more.

    It felt like forever ago when we last saw each other. With it being ‘write the best song ever’ (A/N: pun totally intended) break for all of us, we hadn’t had to do any interviews or any concerts for the past few weeks.

    So, we literally never saw each other, which was perfect, because it didn’t make Louis haunted when I wasn’t around. I didn’t have to deal with the guilt that he would feel awful around the gay guy. That I would probably make him fidget in his seat if I were around. It wasn’t like he even liked the fact that I was gay- plus this... I didn’t know how we would survive if we were back on stage.

    So, for a while I’d go out and not bother Louis or the boys, then I’d come home late to give them time to fall asleep. I’d keep to myself when in the house in the mornings so Louis wouldn’t have to be reminded.

    I’d go out with friends clubbing, go shopping, see a film, or even just meet up with a trick. I’d do all these things to keep my mind away from Louis and how I desperately wanted to hang out and be his friend again.

    It was during one of these longing thoughts that I decided I really did need to get over everything and find myself a friend that can help me do that. I was realizing my entire world and everything that I was doing had to do with Louis and what happened. I wasn’t doing any of it for me. I needed to find a person who wouldn’t be just a distraction because I couldn’t be at home, I’d try my hardest for them to be part of my world and be the reason why I left the flat.

    My mind shot back a few months ago at a concert right in London. The lads and I had just finished our last song and were sipping water in the back while talking and fooling around with the set crew.

    There had been a few fans with backstage VIP passes that came up to us in a little nervous cluster, one standing out from the rest of them. He’d been interesting to talk to for a while, and he’d even explained that while he was a fan, he was here for his little sister- who I’d promptly hugged and signed an autograph for.

    He must have had a great gay-dar because he hit on me and even gave me his number before following the rest of the cluster out the side door of the arena.

    I actually considered contacting him, that was how lonely I felt. Then I understood how pathetic I sounded, but then again, the guy took up a ton of courage to hit on me, so perhaps I should indulge him at least once...

    I reached into my pocket and gathered my phone in my hand. Pulling it out, I entered the password- something Louis had made back 9 months ago- and travelled through my contacts, pausing at names I didn’t recognize right off, until I found him: Thomas.  
  
***********************************  
  
    He’d thought I’d been one of his friends taking the piss. Even went as far as hanging up on me. I’d called back and told him to meet me at this bar downtown, that way he’d know it was really me when he saw me.

    After first seeing me, and our initial ‘Hey,’ he agreed to a drink; just as buds.

    I didn’t _really_ think we’d get on as well as we did. He wasn’t awkward or anything, just when he apologized for hanging up on me, he didn’t fangirl or want to know anything more about the band than I wanted to supply. We’d grabbed a few beers and sat in a corner booth. I told him I was just looking for someone to talk to, someone to be my friend, maybe even more. His response was, “Do you think you’d go out with me? Like on a proper date?” To which I’d told him that I’d see how the night went first.

    He was really great, he had sandy-blonde hair and amazing blue eyes, ones that held every expression- lighting up when he laughed.

    He beat me at pool... twice. To which I got him back at darts.

    He enjoyed much of the same music I listened to and even indulged me into a topical debate about why HAIM had more musical integrity than the Palma Violets.

    We even delved into other topics, such as sports. Thomas, bless his soul, was a Liverpool fan. I found that I could tolerate that, as a Man United fan myself, because he was just such a likable person. I told him how I play tennis and badminton, he just laughed and tried explaining the rules to Disc Golf to me.

    “No, I’m completely serious. I named my hamster Hamster.” I stated, watching his shaking figure rock back and forth in laughter.

    “I had a bunny named Bonney,” He stated, “but I have to say that that is the most unimaginative name I’ve ever heard. At least I named my hamster Kevin!”

    We were having fun and before we knew it we were spending last call in the bathroom in a completely illegal-looking snog session. I broke my lips from his, a little breathless, and guiltily looked into his eyes.

    “I’m sorry. We’re supposed to be just hanging out… but do you think you might like to go out to dinner on Friday?” I had awkwardly asked, as my hands were still in his pants.

    “Of course,” He had laughed, and stepped away from my grasp. His eyes sparkled in mirth as he leaned in for one more kiss before opening the bathroom door and motioning for me to go out first, “It’s getting late- we’ll save the excitement for another time.”

    I headed home in a dreamy daze. He was the perfect gentleman I hadn’t felt this way in the longest time. It made me happy. I really hit it off well with Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy! <3


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Niall’s POV-

    “I’m sorry babe… I know you can’t tell me things about Louis. I’m sorry for pushing.” I murmur as I come behind him and rub my hands over his shoulders. I hooked my chin over his collarbone and continued trailing my hands over his chest and down across his abs.

    “I just wish things weren’t so complicated.” He replied, leaning back into my embrace. He frilled his fingers up and over my arms, “Maybe we could tell them?”

    I sighed. We’d been over this so many times in the last few months. I just wish he would just drop it. He knew why we couldn’t. We’d had so many fights just on that topic alone.

    “Could we just drop it?” I asked, “Just for tonight?” I nuzzled my face in his neck. I heard his intake of breath, and kissed the soft skin on his throat. I felt him relax into my arms and I knew he would let it go for the night. I started kissing up his neck to his ear.

    “You know, I think I heard Louis go downstairs…” I purred, trailing off. I knew he was imagining things in his mind and I couldn’t keep from nibbling on his ear lobe a bit. His breath hitched raggedly and he shivered.

    “Fuck,” He whispered and spun around, pressing me against the wall and attacking my lips. I missed the feeling of his body on mine, I could hardly control myself in the day, having to go sneaking around.

    “Zayn,” I moaned as I unhooked his belt. His lips connected to my neck as his hands traveled all over me.

    Clothes were torn off and thrown everywhere, and beads of sweat rolled down our naked bodies as we tumbled together in a jumbled mess of kisses and moans.

    His beautiful, lust-filled eyes looked up at me as I rocked relentlessly into him. No matter how long or how much we’d been doing this, he was always so magnificently tight.

    I was hitting his prostate repeatedly, both of us so close. I just had to hold on a few more seconds. I reached out and pulled his hair, a kink I’d found accidentally- and ultimately, the reason why he never lets anyone touch his hair.

    He moaned through his nose and rocked his hips with mine, creating a better friction. God, his body was amazing. I could never get tired of this. He whimpered before moaning out,

    “Oh god daddy!... oh… right there!” I could feel my impending release and I almost lost it as he held his in. His dick twitched and he almost lost it.

    As I was about to release inside him, a noise from the doorway startled me and we stopped all of our movements. What was that?

    We whipped our heads around. I couldn’t believe it. Oh no! This cannot be happening! The _one_ person I was most afraid of finding out was standing there with wide eyes. Louis stared at us in bewilderment.

    “Lou.” Zayn breathed in shock. His words contacted with my mind, unfreezing me. I pulled out quickly, realizing that he didn’t need to see this.

    “Louis,” Zayn’s voice sounded from behind me. He didn’t even sound scared, just concerned for Louis’ well-being, this is why I loved him. When he didn't move, I stuck a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on as Zayn approached Louis in just his sweatpants. He was still standing there in shock watching him get closer.

    We went over to him and sat him down on the chair across the room and attempted to explain our relationship. He was deathly quiet, way too quiet for our Louis. I was afraid he’d lash out or something equally horrible.

    “So, you’ve been together for a year and didn’t think to tell any of us?” He asked, shakily. Zayn nodded his head and looked down, I immediately felt horrible. He’d wanted to tell the boys- we both had, a while back, but then the whole Louis/Harry incident happened and I clammed up.

    Suddenly, and quite loudly, Louis burst out laughing,

    “There are four gay One Direction members! What would management say! Haha!” _What? Four? Wait…_

    “Four?!” I questioned in a higher pitched voice. Louis immediately sobered up and a blank expression slid on his face as he realized what he’d said in front of me. He took a breath and then calmly replied,

    “Yeah… Four.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know the last two chapters have been a little shitty, but feedback would be nice. (:

Chapter 10:  
  

 2 months after the break up- 1 month after discovering Niall and Zayn together.  
    Harrys POV- 

    Thomas had three older brothers and a twin sister. So, when we’d first met and told me he was there for his little sister-  his little sister was only little by a few minutes. To my accusatory glare he replied, “What? She’s my younger sister!” with a smile and a chuckle. I was not amused, in reality I was though, because this was just another typical thing he would say- it was cutesy just like his personality. I was finding I was really liking him.

    He was originally from America, somewhere up north and cold, but his father’s company had moved all over the world until landing in the UK. He’d lived in London for the last two years and found it more appealing to his personality than Guam or Sydney.

     His peaches and cream complexion blushed at the mention of Sydney, to which I continuously buggered him about until he began his descriptive narration of his too-embarrassing-to-repeat story that involved an old lady, a cart, and an altercation with a fish.

    “We were only there for a few weeks, but I’d certainly made an impression.” He’d said through a mouthful of penne. Forking my own pasta into my mouth, I’d replied with a little interesting story involving Liam and I in Amsterdam.

    We’d stayed at the restaurant until well into the night, just talking and ordering more desserts and coffee. The waitstaff were actually starting to get annoyed with our presence. 

    It was a fairly nice restaurant, a little italian place pocketed between two department stores in the middle of the city. The interior was dimly lit for a romantic mood, and even though I’d thought it was cheesy at first, the light that hit off Thomas’ face just right to show his skin glowing made me appreciate whoever had the idea.

    It wasn’t very crowded and even was a little empty for a Friday. There were two tables set up in the back room I’d requested, the manager had been willing to even close for the nigh to keep away the paps; I would definitely have to thank Ed for his recommendation.

    The food itself was the normal italian, which Thomas said was his favorite, and proceeded to talk about the different styles of pasta and we sparked a talk about if it really mattered what the shape of the pasta was when it came to the taste, texture, or quality of just plain pasta. Our conclusion: _no fucking clue- we’d changed the topic._

    By the time our conversation started to die out, I noticed that a waitress leaning against the doorway had been glaring at us for what seemed like quite a while. She probably had other plans for the night, and probably wanted us to clear out so she could close.

    “C’mon,” I’d stated, standing up and grabbing my coat from the back of my chair. He looked at me curiously before getting up himself and following me out into the cold night.

    “Where are we going?” He asked, and I grabbed his hand, pulling him toward the right, smiling back at him. 

    “You’ll see.”

    I took him to a small park with a gazebo and a water fountain. Protruding a blanket from behind a tree (which I’d payed some thirteen year old boy with bad acne in a 1D shirt to stash there) I shook it out in the middle of the park where the view of the sky would be amazing. This was the best place in the city to look at stars at this time of night.

    Sitting down on the blanket and looking up at Thomas, I patted the blanket beside me in a ‘get-over-here’ gesture. Once he’d settled in beside me, I took his hand in mine again and sank onto my back to look up at the night sky.

    “So, what are you wanting this to be?” I asked, not turning my head from the stars, “I mean, you understand I won’t be able to come out. I can’t publicly be with you... this is the best you’ll get.” I hated these kind of conversations- the fact that I had to bring up the worst part of my job (the only bad part of my job) and I had to live with it. I hated to be in secret, but I understood why. 

    Some people just wouldn’t accept it and it could get out of hand- death threats, parents deciding their children shouldn’t be listening to our music, refunds, you-name-it. Louis had made that fact very clear when he’d kicked me out. He was just as intolerant of gays as the haters, it would be best to stay in the closet for the sake of my job, the band’s career, our safety. I understood, but I still hated it.

    “I’ll take whatever you give me.” He said in a soft voice in reply to my agonized tone. I quickly looked at him, scrutinizing his face to see if he was in fact telling the truth. This had never happened before- more times than not I’d never gotten a second date because they’d realize I was too far gone in the closet and they didn’t want to hide.

    “You understand we go on tour a lot. I won’t be around for long periods of time.”

    “Are you trying to make me against this?” He asked, shyness showing in his eyes.

    “No, I’m just trying to warn you, before feelings get too much or we get too attached that if you can’t handle it, it’s okay.”

    “I like you. Thats all I need to know. The feelings are already there.” He’d replied before scooting closer and closing his mouth over mine.  
    

    Soon after that, we were texting nonstop- cutesy flirting lines, emoticons, cheesy romantic shit, the works. It had been several weeks and it was starting to get really serious. You see, I told myself that we wouldn’t have sex until we were serious because I wanted the relationship before the sex- I wanted to establish heart to heart with Thomas before taking it further. I wanted to see if it would last, I was tired of one night stands and the occasional hookups. Thomas had reluctantly agreed and understood where I came from.

    So, tonight I was going back to Thomas’- I decided that tonight would be the night. We would have sex. I was somewhat nervous. It was silly I knew, but I suddenly had the _virgin-girlfriend-syndrome_ (when even though you’re not a virgin, you act like one the first time you’re in bed with your new boyfriend because you’re shy about how he will react to you and your actions). Even though I’d slept with random guys, I’d never been intimate in this level- feelings were involved- and I was a little worked-up about it all.

    To calm myself, I started imagining his blue eyes swimming in front of my eyes. I loved how they crinkled at the sides, how the cerulean... no.. I mean ice-blue. And suddenly Louis’ eyes hovered over my mind as I heard his voice say, 

    “I’m single.” 

    To this I was snapped out of my trance and whipped my face around to look at him. We were all sitting on a too-small couch on the stage of some London talkshow. _Wait... What?_

    I turn my attention to the interview, I was so shocked, and meeting Liam’s dumfounded expression. It was like time stood still. The audience stood silent for a while, even the interviewer was taken aback by Louis’ reply to the age-old One-Direction-who’s-single question.

    Suddenly a huge eruption broke the stillness, and everything was a big commotion. Fangirls were squealing, the interviewer was talking a mile a minute and security had to keep the audience from jumping up into the view of the camera. Out of all of this commotion, Liam was observing the crowd’s reactions, I stood still and completely clueless, Niall and Zayn were the only ones -other than Louis- who were sitting still. Of course if the all-knowing Zayn knew (which he seemed to know everything about Louis nowadays- wonder how Niall feels about that) than Niall would know as well. 

    Once the interviewer had controlled the audience and her own breath, she opened her mouth,

    “Oh really? When did this happen?” _Just what I was wondering._

    Louis kept a cool and collected face before clasping his hands together and saying, “It’s been about two months.” This revelation in itself created a tidal wave of betrayal and curiosity. Why did he keep this from us? But then again, I don’t remember Eleanor anywhere around Louis in the last few months. I’d been so concerned with his rape (and originally his ‘mugging’) that I didn’t notice her absence. It’d been eight months since I’d seen her up close anyway. I’d been living with Lou again; you’d think I’d at least hear him talk about her. But now that I think about it, I hadn’t heard a peep.

    I wondered why they weren’t together, after all- their relationship was one of the reasons (or so Lou had told Liam) that he freaked out on me. If he had loved her so much to completely alienate his best mate, if he loved her enough to become a stranger to the entire band, to change into this complete douche, what could have happened between them to change their relationship this much?

    “May I ask who broke it off?” The sickly-sweet voice of the bubblegum pink haired talk show host asked Louis, shifting her weight so her boobs jiggled for him to notice. I gouged his reaction to it, wondering if he possibly would become girl crazy to prove himself not gay. I noticed that Louis didn’t even react, completely focusing his eyesight on her face and not her tits., which had not affected him int eh slightest.

    I contemplated why they broke up, I couldn’t help but think it was because of the... ‘mugging’. Keeping my eyes on Louis, I ran over everything that had happened since the ‘mugging’ in my head. I don’t remember a time where he told us that he was going to see Eleanor. In fact, I remembered that time he had been really drunk and I’d helped him home. I remembered that he asked to go into my old room, he’d said “El’s in there.” As his reason that he didn’t want to go into his own room.

    Louis sighs in response to her question. He didn’t like talking about his personal life because he knew the fans would either get shit crazy and bam fanfictions or they would hate on Eleanor, and even though they weren’t together I could tell that he wouldn’t want that for her.

    He was the type of guy that even if things didn’t work out or ended badly with a girl(like with Hannah) he’d still support them in front of the fans because he didn’t like the hate  that was aimed their way, especially the “You weren’t good enough for him anyway, haha.” words that were like squeezing lemon on a paper-cut.  

    “I did.”

    “I’m sure this is an exclusive. Why did you break up?” Interviewer asked, juggling her boobs a little more. _Gross_. I found myself looking at Louis intensely. Trying to take the words out of his mouth. I wanted to know just as much as anyone else. I eventually found myself leaning forward so much I was in danger of falling, Liam was giving me a pointed stare.

    “A friend helped me out one night when I’d had a few too many. She flipped, insulting my friend and me as well… our relationship had been fizzling out before this incident but that was just the defining point that we weren’t good together.” He answered truthfully. _Wait... WHAT?!?!_

    I couldn’t believe it. He broke up with her... because of me.? Why would he do that? He didn’t even like me back then. He was even mocking me that night, talking about how I could have him if I wanted, like I would fuck any guy that walked in. Thinking that I would fuck him because thats apparently all that gay men did. I was so taken aback at this piece of information, especially after everything he’d said to be, that he would just defend me to Eleanor like we were best mates still.

    The rest of the interview went on without anymore real chaotic activity. I didn’t really pay attention to much else about it. I was too distracted by Louis, and my thoughts about it. I couldn’t get it out of my head. Why would he sacrifice his relationship with someone he _loved_ for someone he _hated_. It just didn’t make sense.

    After the interview, backstage as we were waiting for the van to pull up and the fans to leave from around the area, Liam finally broached the subject,

    “Why didn’t you tell us, Lou?” Louis didn’t even seemed perturbed at the question, he didn’t even seem concerned that we were concerned about him. But then again, it was Liam talking, he was always concerned despite his new ‘wilder’ streak.

    “After the... ah... mugging.... I just focused on getting better... it didn’t matter anymore and honestly, I forgot.” Was his reply.

       _He forgot? It doesn’t matter?_

_What does that mean?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like Larry comment!!! (: Nawwh, thats false advertising right there... lol... if you like MY rendition of Larry- comment!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not so sure about this chapter... comments? Feedback?? What can I do better, structurally, gramatically?

Chapter 11:

   _Niall’s POV:_

    Yeah, we’d all been shocked that Louis would announce their break up on television, Harry more shocked than the rest of us- but I believed that had more to do with not knowing that Louis wasn’t with Eleanor anymore than the actual fact that he so honest in an interview.

    When Louis explained to me that he was gay, I automatically assumed that he and Eleanor were over, I hadn’t even thought of her to be honest. And now, looking back, I realize why I’d forgotten her- he never even talked about her- not once since Louis’ accident. Yeah, he told me about that too. 

    For one... I don’t believe his whole _‘I wanted it’_ act he was trying to push on me. I’d glanced over at Zayn and noticed he didn’t buy it either, but we didn’t say anything- I didn’t want to stir more stuff up.

    After we got home, Harry went back out- didn’t even tell us where he went, just told us not to wait up and he wasn’t coming home until tomorrow. He hadn’t looked happy, in fact- he’d looked a little reluctant to leave, but at the moment he saw Louis walking in from the kitchen, he’d gotten this hard look on his face and walked out.

    I’d assumed that the harsh look had to do with the subject matter- obviously Harry was getting laid and still didn’t know Louis didn’t hate gays. Harry probably thought that Louis would say something bad if he brought up that he was going out with a guy for the night.

    Either way, Harry went out, Louis stayed in with Zayn and I (Liam had to go to another meeting with management to see what to do about Louis’ announcement)- playing Fifa on the gamebox, and watching cheesy horror movies- throwing popcorn at the screen when a character did something stupid _“don’t go in there alone! Idiot!”_. 

    About halfway through I realized that Zayn and I didn’t have to hide around Louis. It’d become a regular thing- hiding- so this sudden realization (even if it _was_ a month since he’d known) gave me the greatest happiness- _we could come out!_ Well... to the guys at least.

    I grabbed Zayn’s hand and cuddled into his side more, chuckling at his reaction- glancing around the room before realizing it was just Louis and Louis already knew. 

    “I just realized, we can do this.” I said, smiling up at him. He looked down at me, his expression was like the sun and I was entranced by his glee.

     _“Turn around! He’s right behind you!... Stupid girl!... Awww, now there’s blood on the carpet- see what you did! Should’ve listened to me!”_ Louis yelled at the screen then glanced over at us, “Well? Are you two gonna kiss or what?” He smiled at us before turning back to the movie where the man with the axe was stomping through the house. How romantic...  
  


    After that night Zayn and I had realized how many times we really had alone with Louis. Seemed he never went out and Liam had Danielle and Harry was keeping closer lately, but was still out most nights.

    It was nice, to be able to show your affection in front of someone. It wasn’t like one of those _‘neener-neener-neener-we-have-a-relationship-you-don’t’_ things, it was more of a _‘thanks-for-knowing’_ kind of thing. It felt great, like a whole boulder was off our shoulders- it was less of a mission to mask our love. We didn’t have to hide in front of Louis now. An entire weight was lifted off our shoulders and we could smile and laugh and kiss and cuddle in front of Louis and we didn’t care because he knew and approved and it felt great.

    Sometimes it made me wonder why we were hiding anymore, Louis was really the only one I’d worried about, but now that he knew what was stopping us? Harry. We knew it was hard for Harry to come out- we also knew what happened between Louis and Harry. We knew Harry still thought Louis hated him because he was gay. If we came out and Louis was suddenly completely okay with our relationship, but (according to Harry) Louis still hated him because he was gay- we could only imagine the hurt Harry would feel and no amount of explanations would get through to him. 

    No, we had to do it slowly- build up to it- show Harry that Louis didn’t hate him first before we could come out. Zayn and I had a discussion, we would wait just a bit longer, we went this long- we could go longer.

    It was shortly after this revelation that Harry started hanging at home more. At first it wasn’t really all that much, he would decide to join us in the living room for a good football match, or watch a movie with us. He even went as far as sitting at the end of the couch next to the armchair Louis had inhabited. It was these times that I watched Harry closely- he never noticed, he was too busy gouging Louis’ reaction to him.

    Harry would start to go out but then change his mind, he’d be halfway in his coat with his  shoes on before he would decide that he would want to stay in. He’d turn a complete three-sixty and kick his shoes off- throwing his jacket on the banister on the stairs and plop himself down beside me on the couch.

    One particular night was the strangest, Harry hadn’t even thought of going out. He’d come downstairs in his pajamas and went right over to the entertainment center and requesting a movie, looking over his shoulder at us. I’m sure we’d all had our mouths open at his suggestion- Bring It On- why we had that in our collection is beyond me. But his expression looked so... hopeful that we had to let him put it into the player.

    We sat through all 98 minutes (I counted) of cheerleading pre-teen drama reluctantly. Once that movie was done Louis got up immediately to choose the next one muttering something about never getting that hour and a half of his life back.

    While Louis was choosing a movie I noticed Harry watching him, particularly I noticed Harry watching Louis’ bum. Louis leaned over to insert the DVD into the player and I saw how Harry bit his bottom lip, staring at his ass. Mental note: confront Harry about Louis.

    Harry couldn’t start to fancy Louis, could he? That couldn’t be happening, Harry still thinks Louis hates gays, he wouldn’t... but you can’t help who you start to like.

    Once the DVD is starting to play the credits, Lou turns to Harry and sits next to him,

    “So, Harold... got any new looooveee interests?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows like he used to. Harry is so surprised at this that he is silent for a while before responding.

    “I.... uh...” He gets out before the movie begins, and then he turns his attention to the screen and acts as if nothing ever happened. A puzzled expression showed on his face for the rest of the film, he must have been so confused- poor thing. After all, he still thought Louis hated him.

    I watched Louis’ reaction to this and noticed that he had a sort of grin on his face. _He meant to do that!_ He was trying to show Harry that he didn’t hate him, that he doesn’t mind gays- he was trying to give subtle hints.

    I caught Louis’ eye toward the end of the film and winked at him- my way of thanking him. He just smiled and winked back.

    By the time the second movie was done it was only around 5 in the evening so Liam went out to order us some food. While he was gone I felt a vibration from my phone. Zayn. I noticed he had his phone out and was texting me from across the room. I rolled my eyes but kept contact with him. 

     _We should.... ahem... go check on that food.... ;)_ xx

    While I didn’t think leaving Harry alone with Louis was _all_ that great of an idea, I jumped at the chance to be with Zayn for a while just the two of us.  
  


_A Few Days Later_

_Liam’s POV:_

    Louis was acting weird. Or, well _everyone_ was acting weird, just Louis especially. I wouldn’t have noticed it, had everyone else not been acting weird as well. 

    Louis had been involving Harry in things, he’d been focusing most of the attention on Harry and even went as far as almost starting to play fight with him. I was really surprised. Harry even went along with it like it was nothing, Niall even smiled at them and Zayn just sat there indifferent about these whole events. Thats what was weird, it was like a silent truce had gone down and I had been the only one not present.

    After our talk about why Harry was avoiding him Louis must have just pondered over ways to make him stay. Whatever it was that Louis was doing though... it’s gotta be working. 

    I worried though. What if he took it too far? Harry is fragile when it comes to Louis, even if it was almost 10 months since the incident.

    Though, I had a feeling that Louis had other motives than just getting Harry to forget the incident. I’d been sensing, as I noticed Louis checking out Harry one time, that Louis might have been finding Harry attractive. After all Louis had commented to me the other day that Harry was so gentlemanlike and he would make anyone happy to have him as a boyfriend.

    After that I was really suspicious, Louis thinks of Harry as boyfriend material? Though this was probably an accidental comment toward me, Louis still voiced his opinion, which meant that he had at least been talking to someone out loud about this. I knew just who to talk to. Niall. 

    Louis was closer to Zayn, but I knew Zayn was really really protective of any information involving Louis, as I had found out after he explained the mugging. He had snapped at me when I’d asked for more details than that he was mugged. Though Zayn was closer, Niall would know anything that Zayn knew- there were no secrets between them- and Niall liked me better.

    So I pulled Niall aside one day, Zayn wasn’t anywhere to be found which I found odd but didn’t comment on as Louis wasn’t there as well and Niall didn’t seem keen on sharing that bit of information. 

    “I think there might be something going on with Louis.” I stated, starting it off slow. Niall had his poker face on, but it was twitching slightly like he really wanted to talk about something but couldn’t. 

    “What do you mean?” He finally settled for, his eyes burning to say more, but he stayed quiet. I knew there was something up, something the guys weren’t telling me- but I needed to keep up with my plan- after all perhaps they would share with me whatever it was that they were keeping from me. _Oh god, what if its something drastic though? What if they get hurt?_

    “Please tell me they aren’t getting in trouble or hurt, wherever they are right now.” I sigh, my eyebrows furrowed as tight as they’ll go. Niall looks a little more panicked but answers honestly instead, 

    “No, they’re fine.” 

    “Okay... Now, what I really called you down here for is that I think Louis might have feelings for Harry. Though I don’t like how management might deal with it if something between them happens, I like the idea of them together. So, we need to find out if Harry likes Louis- if that is the case then we can work on getting them together. Both of them need to settle the big gigantic gap between them and get together.” I said, taking a big gulp of air when I was done. I noticed Niall looked considerably more comfortable at the subject, as it had nothing to do with where Zayn and Louis were.

    “I noticed Harry checking Louis out the other day, either he’s getting really deprived of ass or he seriously likes Lou. I think we should ask him. Go right up to him and ask him if he likes Louis- after all, even if we don’t get a yes, as long as he says no or anything really negative then we’ll know its a yes and start getting them together!” Niall said, happily jumping up and down in excitement. He loved playing matchmaker, like when he set up Ed and Taylor.

    Niall and I quickly locate where Harry is; in our room. We start up the stairs, trying to figure out how we were going to approach the subject- it wasn’t like we could burst in with _“hey you like Lou right?”_ \- we made our way toward the door before we heard his voice speaking. Did he have someone in there? I didn’t remember him bringing someone in the house. In fact, he hadn’t brought anyone home in a long long time- probably to do with the whole Louis thing.

    “No, I’m not saying....” Harry’s voice said, being cut off.

    “What?” Niall mouthes, starting to slink toward the closed door. We got closer and closer, and Harry’s voice started to raise a little. 

    “I didn’t say that!... Listen...”

    “He’s on the phone.” I whispered, pressing my ear to the door.

    “No, I understand.” Harry’s voice got smaller as his footsteps got farther away. Then he started pacing. 

    “It’s just I think it’s a little too soon to meet your parents. I mean, I don’t doubt us, I just... I think we’ve only been together for two months and meeting my boyfriend’s parents? I don’t think we’re quite at that yet.” Harry said, turning back toward the door and walking close enough to make me back up a little, glancing at Niall’s face.

    “He has a boyfriend?” Niall asked eyes wide. We heard footsteps coming up the stairs, Niall looked a little pale at the sound and looked toward the door to see if Harry heard anything. He was still in our room talking to his boyfriend.

    “No, it’s all good.” Louis’ voice come up toward us, he sounded really tired and weak. Once they’re in view, I noticed Louis’ eyes were teary, I glanced at Niall and saw his eyes were really concerned.

    Zayn looked at us and then at the closed door that Niall’s ear was still pressed to. He gave Niall a questioning look. In response, Niall took his ear off the door and made a _shhhh_ gesture with his finger over his lips as he pointed at the door. 

    Louis and Zayn came silently closer as they heard Harry behind the door. 

    “Thomas...” Harry sighed, “Yes, I understand that they want to meet me... I love you, I do... but that’s not what this is about... You’re just not understanding me.... of course I want them to know you’re my boyfriend... no... I just... I can’t alright?... yep... I love you too.” Harry hung up and threw his phone against the door. We all jumped back and the door started opening.


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12:_  
 _Louis’ POV_ :

    I had been thinking a lot about my situation, I’d ran out of pills so I was to assume that my STD was gone, but I wanted to be really sure before I even thought about being with anyone else- even kissing them.

    So, I dragged Zayn back to the clinic just to make sure that I didn’t have the disease anymore. If I was honest, I would admit to thinking about being with someone else a lot. Which was why I began to tell Zayn the truth.

    I had started to finally face the fact that I might want to be with another guy sometime in the near future, and while this thought had ran through my mind- I’d also thought a lot about the incident. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have any anal damage or whatever so I could possibly have sex again without it hurting. I’d looked up the affects of dry anal penetration and it all scared me a little- but I couldn’t know for sure unless I went to a doctor. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have any anal fissures, ano-rectal trauma (whatever that was), or hemorrhoids. I knew I wasn’t completely ready to have sex, but if I suddenly felt that I was ready, I wanted to be able to say that I’m okay.

    But facing the fact that I _might_ have had anal damage meant facing the fact that I was forced. It meant I had to realize that it wasn’t technically what I’d wanted at the end and though I’d never said no and I’d believed that I was enduring it for a good reason, it was still assault. He’d hit me and kept hitting me and didn’t care about my well being, and hurt me in the most painful ways. I had to face the fact that yes, I was raped.

    It took me a while to realize it, and even then I was sometimes in denial, but I would hold myself together because that was what was needed. So, I would go home and cry, but I wouldn’t show any weakness in front of the lads.

    I didn’t want to relive my experiences in my head, but I had to tell Zayn, he deserved that much. So, while we were sitting in the waiting room, I picked up the pamphlet on rape Zayn had read during our last visit there.

    I opened it up, reading through the different types of rape, trying to find one that fit my situation. Two showed through more than the others; Acquaintance Rape and Hate Crimes. I read it again before deciding to show Zayn.

   _**Acquaintance Rape:** _  
_Sexual activities that occur against a person’s will by means of force, **violence** , duress, or **fear of bodily injury**. Verbal consent **wasn’t** obtained as the level of intimacy increased._  
 _*Many victims do not identify their experience as sexual assault. Instead of focusing on the violation of the sexual assault, victims of acquaintance rape often blame themselves for the assault._  
 _*These actions are usually done by a date or someone close._  
 ** _Hate Crimes:_**  
 ** _The LGBT Community/ ‘Faggot Beatings’:_**  
 _Many members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered community are often targets of hate crimes- many include rape or sexual assault._

    I took a deep breath to collect myself. I was reluctant to admit to this- for people to know. But then I had to remember, this was just _Zayn_. He’d seen me at my worst, he’d seen me in the aftermath- he had to have had some sort of suspicion. I closed my eyes tightly before moving my weight on my butt and turning my body to face him.

    I silently handed over the pamphlet before pointing my finger at the description and waiting for him to finish reading and glance back up at me. Curiosity and fear was in his eyes, but mostly they were just sad and knowing. I opened my mouth and said,

    “I... I think... I was raped.” my voice was raspy and cracked at the last word.

    He’d looked at me for a second or two, before pulling me closer into his chest with his arm around my shoulders.

    “I know.” He said, pressing his lips to the crown of my head, “I know, and I’m so terribly sorry.” His kindness shattered me. I mean, it wasn’t like I was expecting him to shun me, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if he took a few massive steps away. Instead he just pulled me closer and showered me with love and affection. He didn’t make me feel alienated or take extra caution around me because he now knew, he treated me the same as he always had and that was what really got me. He was good enough of a person, loved me enough to act like nothing was the matter, because he knew that I needed that. His kindness filled my empty heart with so much love and affection it was hard to concentrate.

    It was so overwhelming in fact, that we didn’t hear the receptionist call my name. She had to literally get out of her seat ( _god forbid_ ) and nudge me on the shoulder. I’d lifted my head, and wiped my face dry, before following her through the doors to the hallway. Once inside the doors, she led me to the last room on the right and told me to wait.

    I’d brought up my concerns with my doctor and he’d performed a finger probe- which I hadn’t felt all that great with and they had to (embarrassingly) bring Zayn in to calm me down. Since I hadn’t had any blood coming from my ass other than the first night and day, he’d been certain that nothing was really of concern and I hadn’t received any long-term damage. Because of this and what he didn’t find in his finger test, he didn’t think it was necessary to do any x-rays or a colonoscopy _thank god_.

    After that, he took a pee test as per my request- I wanted to make absolute certain I didn’t have any kind of diseases. When he came back from storing the _specimen_ wherever they do that, I had one final question for him.

    “So, if I were to... say, want to have sex... anally. But used the right lube and everything, I shouldn’t have any worse pain than a normal guy would?” I made sure I worded it carefully because I knew that anal sex would always feel somewhat painful the first time no matter who it was or what they had experienced.

    “No, you shouldn’t have any abnormal pain. But, on the off chance you do, you’ll have to have x-rays done to figure out what’s wrong.” He answered honestly and didn’t even seem uncomfortable about the topic. I mean, even though he’d just had his finger up my ass not long ago- doctors were prepared for that, it was what they do, but conversationally involving the topic of gay sex sometimes didn’t settle well with some people. I was just glad he wasn’t one of those people.

    The ride home wasn’t half as silent and awkward as it had been the last time, yes Zayn was making sure that I wasn’t going to freak out- but I loved him for it, I really did. I was just feeling drained and needed my own bed and some sleep.

    We’d turned on the radio on the way home and even ended up singing along to some bubblegum pop song we’d only heard because _everyone_ was playing it- almost like the Call Me Maybe-Carly Rae Jepsen phase.

    We started a conversation on what I was going to do next, as we entered the house. No one seemed to be home, so we continued our conversation up the stairs.

    “Are you going to tell the others?”

    “No.” I said, a little more forcefully than I wanted or planned. I didn’t want him to think that I was hiding from anyone, but I didn’t want anyone else to know.

    “Its important to be honest and open and not live in denial or in secret, Lou. Thats what all counselors on rape feel need to happen for you to fully start to get over it... I looked it up online.” Zayn replied in an attempt to soothe me. It just made me feel out of control and I couldn’t feel that way right now. He suddenly had the power again, he was urging me to this point, this road I didn’t want to deal with right now and I couldn’t make it stop. I just wanted it to stop.

It was after a heavy silence that I realized I was crying. I wiped at the tears until I could see clearly.

    “I’m sorry... that was too far. It isn’t fair to you. You should be able to make your own choices, I’m sorry.” He said, realizing his mistake.

    “No, it’s all good.” I replied, about ready to just collapse in my room.

    Once we reached the top of the stairs we realized we weren’t alone in the house. I could only hope they hadn’t heard any of our conversation and I consciously wiped at my cheeks to check for tears. There were none, but that didn’t matter as both Liam and Niall were a little distracted.

    Niall had his ear pressed against Harry and Liam’s door, Liam was a step away from the door with a shocked look on his face and was incredulously looking at the door. He looked completely out of place- spying. I gauged Zayn’s reaction to this sight before letting out a little giggle at the comical picture in front of us. To which, Niall took his ear off the door and made a _shhhh_ gesture with his finger over his lips. He then pointed to the door and stuck his ear back on it.

    In curiosity, Zayn and I crossed the empty space in the hallway between us and the other guys, once we were closer we heard voices talking behind the door.

    “Thomas,” Harry sounded tired, _who the fuck was thomas?_ “Yes, I understand that they want to meet me... I love you, I do.... but that’s not what this is about...” _He LOVES this Thomas?_ “You’re just not understanding me... of course I want them to know you’re my boyfriend...” _His BOYFRIEND?! The fuck?_ “no... I just... I can’t alright?... yep... I love you too.”

    We stood there in silence and I jumped as Harry hurled his phone against the door. I couldn’t believe this. Harry has a boyfriend? Why didn’t he tell us? I mean, I understood why he didn’t tell me, but it seemed the other guys had the same lack of knowledge about this situation as I did. That begs the question; _why didn’t he tell them?_

    It was during this confusion that the door started opening, and we all jumped back as Harry plowed into us. His originally irritated face, turned to one of shock before acceptance gathered on his face.

    “So, you know.” He said, before continuing on through the hallway like none of this sudden information mattered. We had so many questions. How long had they been together? It had to have been quite a while- Harry was already saying ‘I love you’ and already fighting. Did he purposefully hide it? If so, why? If not, why didn’t he let us know? He could have told the other guys, they all were okay with him being gay and would have supported his chance with his first real relationship.  
    

    Getting used to Harry being with someone else was going to be the hardest thing I had to do; the second was realizing that I had gotten my hopes up that Harry would like me. I don’t know when these hopes had begun, I didn’t even know they had appeared until I knew they couldn’t happen anymore and my chest felt tight as Harry went out on dates with _Thomas_... ugh.     I guess I had had this hope that he would like me as well and ask me out, but then I had to bring myself to reality. He still thought I didn’t like gays, how could he ask me out if he didn’t know I was gay, or even that I had some sort of feelings for him. I also had to remind myself something as well, first and foremost he would be my friend and therefore if he was happy, then who was I to stop him from being so? I wasn’t ready for him to reject me, so I wouldn’t tell him that I fancied him and therefore he could continue being happy with someone he really likes.

Zayn’s POV:

    I watched as Louis suffered at the thought of Harry with someone else. I wanted to smack Harry one for being so thick headed. How could he be so blind! I was pretty sure everyone else noticed it, how Louis was starting to involve him in things, thinking about him more often, even blushing when Harry would say something funny and Louis would laugh immediately. Louis basically acted like one of our fans in a slightly less obsessive way. Louis was in _love_ with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback? Please? Is there anything I can improve on?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dunno how this is... is it working too fast? Feedback please? It's much appreciated. Also, just thought I'd letcha know... this song was originally my inspiration for this project of mine. I thought it would be a one-shot with this song and have it be all good because it related, but then it just... sprung out a storyline. (:

_Chapter 13:_  
 _Louis’ POV:_

    I was beginning to see things in Harry I’d never seen before. Like how he was a kind, decent person. He’d always put other’s feelings before his own, he stood for hours to take pictures with fans without even one complaint. He would actually converse with the fans, have honest to god conversations with them and sometimes exchange phone numbers. He was so social, he accepted everyone. I loved that about him.

    And he was so faithful; to Thomas, to the band. He would never say anything bad about us, never say anything that would lead someone to believe that we weren’t just some happy family. And he never let another guy hit on him, he would politely tell the guy that it wasn’t nice to hit on someone who could have been taken.

    He’d explain, “I’m sorry, I’m happily taken,” and the guy would leave with a huff. Honestly this happened more often than not- which really scared Liam who thought that maybe we were being too obvious about Harry’s sexuality. It wasn’t like he was against Harry coming out or being gay, it was just that he was afraid of the wrath of PR and management, he was afraid of the reaction.

    I’d noticed more about how much Harry had changed from the boy who I’d yelled at. He’d grown up. Both mentally and physically. Mentally, he’d leapt- he’d become his own person. He’d been away from hanging off of me, following me- he no longer had me to show him the ropes and help out. He had to grow, branch out- experience things alone. Physically... well he was taller thats for sure, more manlier, more muscular. His hair grew curlier, and out more, which made his face look older and more structured. It caused me (on more than one occasion) to want to run my hand through those curls, over that jawline. I had to admit, Thomas was a lucky guy.

  
******************************************************************************

  
    We were at a concert, our first one since our break. It was great to be back on stage- and because of our small indifference with Harry’s boyfriend, nothing was weird on stage anymore, and according to twitter, everyone was noticing that Harry and I were relating better. It no longer looked like we were fighting. Because, truthfully, we weren’t. Not that we really were to begin with; we just weren’t on speaking terms.

    That night, Harry was looking perfect, and as much as I wanted to stop thinking this way, to accept that he was with Thomas and he wasn’t going to be with me, I just couldn’t. At best we were acquaintances but I wanted more. 

    He looked beautiful in the light, and everything that I had been suppressing about my feelings for him, rose to the surface. Everything I was trying so hard to hide, to keep from even myself began bubbling up. I had one thought going through my head, I have to tell him. 

    As much as I respected Thomas and their relationship, if there was just one sliver of a chance of a relationship between Harry and I, I had to take it. And I know this was all sudden, but it all came out in one glance. 

    Harry had been doing his solo in Irresistible, and the light shown perfectly against his skin, making him glow. And as I saw this, it all came together. How deeply I cared for him. I realized that it wasn’t just a school crush. I hadn’t just had feelings for him for the last few months. It was deeper than that... I just hadn’t realized it sooner.

    It was the reason I’d thought of him when I went out with that guy, there was a reason I’d though of him through everything. The dream, kicking El out... it all fit. I had feelings for Harry. It just showed itself at the most inopportune moment.

    So there I was, in the middle of a song, just staring at Harry in wonder. Before I could pull myself together, Zayn wrapped his arm around my shoulder and guided me back a step, out of the spotlight so much. 

    “Are you alright? You just kinda... froze.” His voice was concerned.

    “Yeah. I... ah.” I licked my lips and attempted to wet my dry mouth before continuing, “I realized something... thats all.”

    “Was it about Harry?” He asked, as he straightened my clothes and began to sing the chorus. When the song ended, I just nodded to him before another idea struck me and I was halfway across the stage and whispering in Liam’s ear. Out of anyone I knew Liam could get it done.

    Under the heat of the spotlight and the gazes of the fans, I stood on center stage as the boys were pushed back and the music began. I looked out over the audience and then to the DJ currently playing the track I’d needed.

    “I recently fell for someone... they don’t know, but maybe after this song they will.” I smiled as best I could and took a last glance at the boys behind me (avoiding looking at Harry) before hearing my cue and beginning to sing.  
  


_**“I shouldn’t love you, but I want to** _  
_**I just can’t turn away** _  
_**I shouldn’t see you, but I can’t move** _  
_**I can’t look away”** _

 

I turned my head around at the amazed crowd, we hadn’t done solo performances since the camp fire routines.

__

_**“I shouldn’t love you, but I want to** _  
_**I just can’t turn away** _  
_**I shouldn’t see you, but I can’t move** _  
_**I can’t look away,** _  
_**And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not,** _  
_**‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop.”** _

 

  
I could feel the excitement coursing through my body. This song was perfect, it showed everything and I hoped beyond hope that he understood.  
  


_**“Just so you know,** _  
_**This feeling’s taking control of me** _  
_**And I can’t help it** _  
_**I won’t sit around, I can’t let him win now** _  
_**Thought you should know** _  
_**I’ve tried my best to let go of you** _  
_**But I don’t want to** _  
_**I just gotta say it all before I go** _  
_**Just so you know.”** _

 

This song fit my situation so much that I suspected that someone went back in time to write my story in to a song.  
  


_**“It’s getting hard to be around you** _  
_**There’s so much I can’t say** _  
_**Do you want me to hide the feelings** _  
_**And look the other way?** _  
  
_**And I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not** _  
_**‘Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop.”** _

 

  
I understood now, and the last lines made so much perfect sense.

__

_**“This emptiness is killing me** _  
_**And i’m wondering why I’ve waited so long** _  
_**Looking back I realize** _  
_**It was always there just never spoken** _  
_**I’m waiting here... been waiting here.** _  
  
_**Just so you know,** _  
_**This feeling’s taking control of me** _  
_**And I can’t help it** _  
_**I won’t sit around, I can’t let him win now** _  
_**Thought you should know** _  
_**I’ve tried my best to let go of you** _  
_**But I don’t want to** _  
_**I just gotta say it all before I go** _  
_**Just so you know.”** _

 

  
    At the end, I took a deep breath and let the fan’s cheers slide through my ears before thanking them with a smile and turning back to Liam. I noded to let him know I was done and that we should continue the concert. The fans were absolutely going wild.

    And we began on One Thing. As Liam’s solo comes around, I finally dare to look at Harry. What I see makes me a little sad, Harry has the most curious look on his face, he looks so confused that I began to understand that the message didn’t get across to him. 

    I smiled at him anyway and turned back to the song as Harry’s part came up. Somehow this song even still seriously related to all the messages that I’d tried to get Harry to telepathically understand.

    After understanding Harry didn’t get the message I sent, or at least didn’t feel curious enough to ask me about who I wanted to be in a relationship with, I realized that Harry was absolutely and completely in love with Thomas and didn’t feel even an inkling of feelings for myself. 

    This hit hard for some reason, and perhaps that had to do with the fact that I was still holding onto hope that Harry had a little feelings for me. Once that was gone and I realized that there wasn’t such a thing as Harry having feelings for me after how I’d treated him. I really needed to get Harry out of my mind. So, after the concert, I went out.

    I didn’t tell any of the boys (which Liam would chastise me for later) where I was going and I didn’t even know myself, I just needed to get out. I needed to breathe and being in the same car as Harry and the same house as him just made me feel suffocated... and sad.

    So, I went out. I needed to get over Harry, because he had Thomas and I had no one and pining over my friend was not right in any kind of way. So, I went out to the gay bars Harry used to frequent. And before I knew it, I was grinding drunkenly on a stranger with amazing hands and a muscular chest.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

    -Harry’s POV- 

    I hadn’t told the lads yet, they thought it was great that I was with someone, my first real boyfriend, but being with Thomas just wasn’t the same. I began to get bored being around him, I didn’t want to continue our conversations all night like before. And it might have had something to do with a certain Doncaster accented angel voice that sang in my dreams, or the softly chiseled physique that haunted my mind. It might have had to do with the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about his blue eyes and perfectly curved bum. No matter how much I told myself, no I couldn’t think of Louis that way, he haunted my every hour. And it wasn’t fair for me to continue something with Thomas if I didn’t feel the same as he did, if I thought more about one of my mates more than I did him. So, I broke it off and was by myself again, with the exception of the Louis in my head.

    When Louis’d admitted to the crowd that he had someone he liked, I couldn’t help getting my hopes up. But then reality hit me like a ton of bricks; Louis was straight, there was no way he was going to like me. She’s a lucky girl, whoever she is.

    I noticed Louis start to look over at us, and quickly tried to fix my expression to puzzlement, making it seem like I was trying to figure out who he liked. He couldn’t see that I was sad, he couldn’t see that I had a crush on him, it would probably turn him from me again, and I couldn’t handle that if it happened. _God I need to get my feelings fixed_. I knew I could never have him, he’s straight and that wasn’t about to change anytime soon.

    This hit hard for some reason, it might have been that I’d allowed myself to hope that Louis had just a tiny bit of feelings for me as well. Then I remembered how he’d gone off on me and I realized there had never been such a thing as Louis feeling anything toward me.

    But I resolved that I needed to get over Louis as fast as possible, he had no intentions of ever being with a guy, let alone _me_. He had that girl he liked, and he didn’t want me. He wouldn’t want his friend pining over him.

    Once we made it home after the concert, Louis immediately turned around, escape to probably go see his girl, tell her he loved her so much, that the song was for her. I couldn’t stand that thought in my head for longer than it needed to be.

    I needed a drink, so I headed out. This would fix everything, help me forget whatever Louis and his girl were doing, help me move on to someone who was possibly gay or wasn’t so much of a bigot. I reminded myself what I didn’t like about Louis, the list just seemed to be smaller than before.

    I got into Hand and Knees pretty easily and found that it was busier than normal, that was good in a way, meant there were more chances to not be so alone. I walked up to the bar and ordered myself a Blue Lagoon followed by a shot of tequila.

    After drowning my sorrows in the liquor, I turned my body and glanced at the sea of gyrating bodies. There, in the middle of the dance-floor, was the one dancer I found most fascinating. I was entranced by his backend swinging in the middle of the crowd. My eyes focused on this enchanting figure, dancing like he had no care in the world what he looked like, but actually moving with grace.

    I watched this godlike creature from my spot at the bar for a while before gaining the courage to go up to him. I took down one last shot before standing on shaky knees and thrusting myself forward into the crowd. I dove through the throngs of half-naked, sweaty men before reaching my object of lust. 

    This was how I could get Louis out my head, a one night stand! This would be the perfect way for me to get over my little crush and move on. I could flirt and dance and find someone to keep my mind off of him. I could get this to work. Nothing had to change. But if this was true, _why was I still thinking about him?_

    I pressed up against him, making sure to put the right pressure between my groin and his perfect, bulbous ass.  I willed myself to just let loose, to stop thinking about Louis and enjoy myself. The guy didn’t seem to be protesting all that much, grinding back on my dick with just as much fervor.

    Before I knew it, out of the cloud of steam on the dance-floor and the loud music and the many many people gyrating around out and through the haze of the last few drinks I’d consumed, I latched my lips against this complete stranger’s neck. I began sucking a love bite in between his collar bone and his jugular. Taking his skin between my teeth to make even more of a mark. At this,  he moaned, but pulled away.

    “Hold on there, mister. I gotta at least know your name.” He giggled, yet to turn around as he was still grinding on me. 

    His voice, sounded like angels, sounded like the most amazing symphony and I was enthralled. I was so captivated by his voice that it took me a while to realize how it sounded so familiar. And then I understood in shock...

    “Louis?” I asked, aghast. I stepped away and put my hand over my mouth in complete shock. _What was he doing here?_ He turned around abruptly at his name, his face was white, his eyes large as they trailed over my body before fixating on my shocked stare.

    “What are you doing here?” He asked, a puzzled look overcoming his face.

    “I was just about to ask you the same question.” I answered. _Why is he here?_  
  
Liam’s POV:  
  
    I opened my eyes a crack, delirious and confused as to where I was. I observed my position in my room before pulling the covers over me and attempting to fall asleep again. It was then that I noticed what had woken me up in the first place; the grunting and the moaning.

    Ugh, they thought they were sooooo sneaky! I knew they were together, I wasn’t stupid, what with Niall leaving the house for a three a.m. booty call to Zayn’s house almost a year ago... It wasn’t rocket science.

    I stuck my head out into the hallway and yelled, “I’m still here you know! It’d be nice if you kept the sex down!”  and then continued to head downstair. I was now awake and I needed something to drink or eat before I attempted to get back to bed.

    I headed down the stairs, noticing the moaning got quieter, even as I passed by their room. As I entered the kitchen I noticed Louis propped up on the counter, Harry standing in between his open legs, his hand’s splayed next to Louis’ hips, his lips connected to Louis’ snogging the daylights out of him.

    A smile erupted on my face and I couldn’t help the, “FINALLY!” that escaped my mouth as I made my way to the fridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback would be nice (:


	15. Chapter 15

**_Chapter 15_ **  
**_Harry’s POV_ **

    It was raining, dark, and the lights from the road blinded me. The road curved in an audacious fashion and no one was out in the night. These were the things I studiously noticed while attempting to ignore the awkward air between my passenger and I. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

    I sighed and shifted into fourth gear, noticing him shift uncomfortably in the silence between us out of the corner of my eye. Even though Louis had wanted to explain _things_ , whatever that was, and we’d both decided that we _should_ probably talk- as he _was_ at a gay club- we ended up sitting silently in my car.

    I didn’t know where I was driving to, I just left the club and couldn’t stop driving. We’d gone past the turn to our street at least half a dozen times. I just couldn’t end this topic, I couldn’t let it drop. But I couldn’t seem to get it started either.

    Finally, Louis shifts in his seat to face me and takes a deep breath before saying, “Harry...” _oh no... he used my full name... it’s bad... oh god._ “I’m gay.”

     _WHAT?!! No, this couldn’t be so... he HATED gays, thought they were disgusting... After... THAT especially... how?_ My head snapped around to see him so fast, my neck cricked.

    “But... how?” I asked, Louis let out a somewhat relieved breath, _what would he have to be nervous about? Coming out to his gay friend?_

    “After... what you said.... and what that man did to you... how?” I immediately chastised myself for even saying anything, I regretted even opening my mouth. _You’re not supposed to know, you fool!_

    I avoided looking at Louis, I couldn’t stand to see how his face would look. Terror, hate... you name it. I could only imagine my position if I was in his situation, I would feel humiliated- he obviously didn’t want anyone to know and probably felt some sort of dominant title he needed to fill. He didn’t need anyone to know that he _‘couldn’t take it like a man’_   there could have been so many scenarios going on inside his head, but most importantly was the fact that he now knew that I knew, and he had been avoiding that at all costs.

     I finally had the courage to meet Louis’ shocked face with a glance of my own. At the sight of my eyes on him, Louis found his voice long enough to choke out, “What? Did Zayn tell you?”

    I couldn’t tell him, that would just show him how awful I was. That I was practically stalking him. So, I sat there in silence, staring out into the dark rain. I payed attention to the slick road, and tried to avoid Louis’ incredulous gaze. Finally, I couldn’t stand the silence and Louis’ stare burning into the side of my head.

    “I followed you and Zayn to the clinic... I know you would be careful with Eleanor so I knew it had to have been someone else... and the way you were walking... how you were beaten... there was only one option...” my last few words were a whisper.

    There was a silence after my announcement, and I could see the wheels turning in Louis’ head. I could imagine his disgust, his nerves now that he knew he was living with a freak. A gay freak that liked to follow him around and know about his rape. I could only imagine the humiliation he must feel, he was a proud guy- I knew this- he didn’t like to show weakness, somehow he believed that if I knew he was raped it made him seem weak and breakable.

    “I’m gay, Harry.” Louis surprised me by saying. He had a calm tone and looked straight into my eyes once I’d turned to him.

    “But... I don’t understand... Just because he did that to you doesn’t just automatically make you gay.... like, just because...” I let out, stopping short at Louis shaking his head.

    And so Louis began the story, the real story- not just my supposition. He explained that he was into it at first, that he _is_ actually into guys, but he hasn’t figured out if he’s bi or just straight out gay _(aha see what I did there?)_. He explained that he had wanted it at first, he’d willingly participated but the guy just took it too far. His descriptions made me cringe, and I couldn’t help but let out a few tears, by blood racing in my veins, scared and sad for him.

    It hadn’t hit me, until he talked about it. That this was rape, this was _real_ rape, I hadn’t grasped the concept completely. I’d just thought- oh, rape, that’s talked about a ton. I hadn’t brought the experience along with it, I hadn’t thought about the blood or the hurt or the crying, the blame and self-hate. I hadn’t associated Louis with any of that, for which I kicked myself for. Because, of course thats what rape is.

    “I’m sorry,” I whispered, knowing he probably wouldn’t want me to feel different about him just because of his _‘mugging’_ and wanting to just reach out and hug him. But I couldn’t move, I didn’t know what to do.

    “Don’t be... I deserved it... for what I said.” To which I flinched. He was thinking this was retribution for some _stupid_ thing he said that _didn’t matter_ in the scheme of things.

    “Don’t,” My voice broke, “you didn’t deserve it. What you said... yeah, it hurt, but you were under a lot of pressure and angry... I don’t blame you.”

    Before Louis could reply, I parked the car in front of our flat and bolted out the door and began walking up the stairs. Louis quickly followed on my tail. He had the key, so at our door, he shoved it into the knob and turned the key. Before he allowed me to move, he held his hand to my chest to stop me from entering, “You don’t forgive me either...” Then he turned back to enter the kitchen. _What? Is that what he thinks? That I hold it against him?_

    “Lou,” My voice ripped out at the silence as I followed close behind him, grabbing his elbow as he turned to the sink to fill up a kettle. “I do though... don’t you see that?” He turned with doubtful eyes at me.

    “Explain the avoidance Harry, that the fact the only time we’ve had more than a two minute conversation had to happen with a little drunken grinding at a club...” He sighed, and tried jerking his arm from my grasp.

    “You think that had to do with _that_?” I wiped my curls from my eyes before continuing in a lower tone. _This was it, I was going to explain it to him._ “I’ve tried not to... not to be... attracted to you,” I glanced at him before continuing, “to keep my distance from you... but god.... how can I do that? You’re everywhere in my mind... and I can’t stop thinking about...” I was cut off by a pair of lips attaching themselves to mine.

    I couldn’t believe it, _Louis was kissing me!_ It took a while for it to sink in, and when it did, I remembered to kiss back. In response to my kisses, Louis pulled me tighter to him. He backed up, pulling me by my shirt until his back hit the edge of the counter. I continued until I pressed myself against Louis.

    I trailed my tongue against Louis’ bottom lip, asking for entrance. He eagerly complied, letting out a moan as our tongues wrestled for dominance inside his mouth. I won.

    I let my hands roam Louis’ body, continuing down his sides and making him shiver before landing on his marvelous ass.

    Somehow Louis ended sitting on the counter while I stood between his legs, sucking his face off. He soft yet strong arms wrapped themselves around my neck, his hands tugging on my curls. His legs held me in a vice grip and his taste was enough to leave me breathless.

    Then a, “FINALLY!” came from the doorway, breaking us apart and making Louis jump. We turned to see Liam with a big grin on his face as he made his way to the fridge, “Don’t let me interrupt!” He continued excitedly. He grabbed his beer before leaving the kitchen as if he’d never entered.

    I shared a glance with Louis before cracking into a smile, “C’mon,” I decided, motioning for us to go upstairs. It would be better if we were able to have a conversation without an interruption. _And by conversation I meant make out._

    I backed up enough for Louis to childishly hop down from the counter and take my hand I’d held out for him. This gave me just another reason to think of him as cute. We made our way up the stairs; Louis hopping, and were just at Louis’ doorway when a chuckle interrupted our shared yearning looks.

    Zayn stood at the end of the hallway, looking at our pairing affectionately, which made my heart burst. Zayn had been so protective over Louis for a while, he’d been there through thick and thin, he’d been the brother that Louis had needed. I couldn’t help but love him even more for it. I engaged eye contact with him before nodding curtly at the unanswered _hurt-him-and-you-are-dead-to-me_ look. After understanding my intensity of the response, he waves and winks before going back into his room.

    After Louis and I made it into his room, we spent the rest of the night talking/snogging and cuddling. I wasn’t expecting anything more in the sex department, I knew Louis wasn’t quite ready for anything- as he’d voiced the moment we climbed onto his bed together. We eventually fell asleep, whispering words of affection before drifting off into oblivion still cradled in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if this sucks ass! Thanks!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I know this is quite rough. But I had to get it out. I'll probably edit it again later, but I felt bad because it's been a while that I just had to get it out! Tell me whatcha think. I've already started the sequel, but it's going to be a while before I post it because I want to have most of it done- so probably after January 22 (my b-day (: tehehe) Because thats when my first semester ends so i'll probably be working more on schoolwork and such, and then a little on the sequel. ANYWAY- ENJOY! (or not... it might just really suck)

Chapter 16:

   No One’s POV-

 

          A month and a half passed. A month and a half where Louis and Harry dealt with what Niall dubbed the ‘Larry Honeymoon Phase’, the crashing realization of their inability to hold hands in public, and the start up of their new tour.

 

         They’d gotten through the ‘you’re-my-best-friend-but-now-my-lover-and-it’s-weird’ phase where they’d gone from not even being in a close radius of each other for eight months to together all the time- like before the ‘Mishap of 2012’.

 

           A big subject they’d approached slowly was sex; Louis began to let go of his hesitation and wanted to have sex, Harry wanted to hold it out for a while- didn’t want to pressure Louis into it. They’d done some sexual things, just not _it_.

 

           Louis felt inadequate, he felt like he was doing everything wrong in the sex department. He thought that maybe he was sucking Harry’s dick wrong (basically the virgin-girlfriend-mode to the extreme). Harry replied to his spoken worries, “You suck dick like a pro, Lou, don’t think that.” which was completely, and utterly true. He just imagined what he would want to feel, what he thought might feel good, and then performed it on Harry.

 

           He finally came to an epiphany, that the reason why he felt inadequate was because he’d only had that one experience with that horrible man, and Harry’d had a lot of sexual history before him and was more experienced. Louis hadn’t even been able to have some kind of dominant part in his one sexual encounter, he’d had absolutely no control and no role but to lie there and take it. He knew nothing of how to prep himself, how to curl his tongue around the slit of a cock for optimum pleasure (because he’d never received a blow job either- Eleanor refused), he had no knowledge of right positions or about the pleasure of his prostate. And there was a big difference between reading or watching porn to the real experience, he could look up everything and _know_ what to do, but it would still be awkward or awful because he’d never experienced anything and therefore knew not how it was _really_ supposed to feel or be done.

 

           Finally, Louis decided he was ready, really really ready. He’d watched some porn for some help with what to do, he’d even explored his body more in the shower to know what he could take, and he’d decided to fuck whatever awkward part of him was afraid- because he knew Harry and trusted Harry. He knew Harry wouldn’t think any differently of him, in fact Harry knew he’d only had that one experience and so he would know he wasn’t a very good lay- Louis was surprised Harry even wanted to do him with that knowledge.

 

         And while Louis decided he was ready, that didn’t mean their circumstances allowed the privilege of them having any alone time to experience said sexual encounter. After all, it was hard to have your first time in the tour bus, awkwardly sharing your experience first hand with the other three lads as well, and Harry refused to do that.

 

So, it was another two weeks before they were even able to approach the subject without feeling weird about doing things around the others. It wasn’t even fathomable.

 

When they’re finally able to have some alone time they were in Toronto and they all had hotel rooms. Harry and Louis had immediately coupled up for a room, leaving Liam, Niall, and Zayn to share the double.

 

When they got their keys from Paul before heading up to their rooms, they heard Liam saying, “I don’t want to hear ANYTHING!” to Zayn and Niall to which he’d gotten a groan. Harry chuckled lightly before extending his hand to Louis and saying, “Shall we, m’dear?” with a wink.

 

They got to their door before realizing that they were in a public hallway, they shouldn’t have been holding hands. And that was the painful reality. They would have to watch everything they did, even if it was intended as a friendly gesture.

 

They entered the hotel room and plopped their stuff down on the floor. Harry noticed the room only had a king bed, figuring it had to do with Paul thinking they were together he chuckled before wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and pulling him against him. Louis giggled before leaning in to kiss Harry. but at the last second, he pulled away with a smile on his face and escaped into the bathroom for a shower.

 

He could hear Harry groan out as he snapped the door shut, and he took a deep breath before smiling again. He inspected himself in the mirror as he waited for the water to warm up, he _really_ did need to clean himself from the tour- he had bus hair and a stench he would rather not bring up. He studied himself in the mirror- doing a once-over on his body, no bruises were left but he could still see them in his mind- before entering the waterfall behind the curtain.

 

While in the shower, he prepared himself both mentally and physically. He was nervous and excited, he planned on seducing Harry that night. He took extra care in the shower to get good and clean for their -hopefully- impending sex.

 

The moment Louis allowed himself to exit the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist, Harry rushed in- probably because they hadn’t had access to a bathroom for quite a while.

   

            Louis took a deep breath before slinging the towel to the floor, dimming the lights for ambiance, and sliding between the sheets. He took another deep breath while he sat there, fiddling with his fingers in his lap, and calmed himself down. _It would be okay. It would be okay._ He just sat there and waited for Harry.

   

            It wasn’t long before the man in question emerged from clouds of steam in just a towel- explaining ‘forgot my clothes’ before stopping. He noticed the lights and the nervous and naked Louis sitting up in the middle of the bed.

   

“Oh.” He said, still staring at the bed and Louis. He was silent and staring for what felt like a long time just standing there before he dropped his towel, meeting Louis’ eyes in a question. He then continued making his way to the end of the bed and crawling on it up to meet him.

 

    “Are you sure?” Harry asked. He nodded before capturing Harry’s lips in a chaste kiss,

 

    “I’m ready, I promise.” He continued smiling up at Harry.

 

    “Okay.” Harry replied in a breathless tone, once Louis trailed a finger down his torso and traced the butterfly tattoo.

 

    Louis smiled nervously before grasping Harry’s member in his hand and stroking lightly before applying more pressure and twisting his wrist like he had learned Harry liked. He slid his lips between Harry’s again, sliding their tongues together. Harry pulled him closer, uncovering and straddling him.

 

    They immediately followed a motion they’d perfected in weeks before the tour, grinding between them, Louis thumbing their precome enough for some sort of cure to the dry rub of their sensitive cocks.

 

    Before long, Harry pulled away and settled in between Louis’ legs. Giving one last “are you positive Lou? I don’t… I don’t want to… I’m not going to be _him_.” The sentence is said with such vehemence that it lifted Louis heart, Harry really did care. Not that he’d had any doubts, but. it. just. yeah…

 

    “Yes, now stop asking me!” Louis replied half-heartedly, smiling down at him to show that he was completely confident in his decision. Harry began kissing his thighs, inching closer to his dick before pecking the tip. Adding his tongue, Harry’s fingers fondled Louis’ balls.

 

    He took a deep breath, letting his head rest on the pillows and letting a sigh escape him. He was preparing himself emotionally and physically, loosening himself up for the penetration he knew was going to happen.

 

    He felt Harry’s finger graze his puckered hole as his cock was engulfed completely in Harry’s mouth. Louis gasped, but continued to lay there pliant under Harry. He was completely hard and ready, “It’s okay,” He says to reassure Harry- who had stilled his movements at the gasp.

 

    He trusted Harry, he did. He could do this. He could. He just had to allow him, it wasn’t like Harry was that man. It wasn’t like Harry would _ever_ … His mind was frozen by Harry’s finger grazing over his hole again.

 

    He immediately froze up, his legs wanted to close together and his whole body just went rigid. Harry noticed straight away and released Louis’ cock with a pop of his mouth. Taking his hands away and rolling out from in between Louis’ legs so he could snap them shut if he needed to.

 

    He felt guilty, Harry sat on the edge of the bed, watching Louis, half of his face in his hands which were held up by his elbows against his indian-crossed legs. It wasn’t like Louis hadn’t just done this to himself in the shower to stretch himself out good for good measure. There wasn’t really anything different between himself doing it to Harry doing it, he guessed it had to do with Harry being a different person, a different person was touching him…

 

    “I’m sorry, we should… we should…” Harry Whispered as if Louis would break from his words. He hesitated to touch him, afraid of how Louis would react- he’d read an article for loved ones of a rape victim and knew that sometimes when confronted with the secual act, there would be withdrawal if they weren’t ready.

 

    “No… I’m sorry. I just. I’m sorry. I want to try again. Just. Gimme a sec.” Louis said, pulling his legs up to his chest.

 

    Harry looked up at him incredulously, “I’m not doing it again Louis, not until you’re ready. Not until, you don’t flinch.” He’s got such passion in his voice that it almost wavers Louis, but he persists.

 

    “I can do it myself fine, it’s just… Just _please_ Harry, I just had a moment, I’m fine. Really.” Louis looked at him, placing his hand on Harry’s knee and allowing his legs to expand again, and open some more. “ _Please_.” Louis could feel the tears start up, he knew he would cry if Harry didn’t agree. He knew he was emotional, but he really _needed_ this. He _was_ ready.

 

    “No, Lou… I can’t.” But Louis didn’t give up, he continued trailing his hand up Harry’s leg, sitting up and pushing Harry back onto the bed, he straddled Harry’s waist before rutting Harry’s dick against the seam of his ass. Harry was hard, but still refusing.

 

    Louis sat back down on Harry’s thighs before sighing and saying, “I’m okay. What can I do to get you to fuck me, Harry?”

 

    “Are you sure?” Harry asked in a strained voice, at Louis’ nod he continued, “One more time, one more try and thats it. I’m not… I’m not putting you through _that_.”

 

    “I’m sure,” Louis smiled.

 

    Harry rolled Louis over again, his hands on Louis’ waist. Soundlessly, Harry returned to his original position in between Louis’ legs and began licking up Louis’ rock hard cock.

 

    Hesitantly, Harry inched his hand closer and closer to Louis’ hold until his first finger brushed against it. Louis just focused on breathing in and out and reminding himself that this is Harry and Harry wouldn’t hurt him- especially after the incident before.

 

    Suddenly Harry was gone from between Louis’ legs and he made a noise of objection before realizing Harry was just retrieving the lube from his bag. Harry squeezed a healthy amount of lube onto his first two fingers before tossing the bottle on the pillow next to Louis.

 

    Harry saddled up to Louis again and returned to his position before, and brushed his finger around the hole, keep attention to Louis’ cock with his other hand- in small reassuring strokes. Finally Harry felt that Louis had calmed down some and would allow himself to be entered, and he took that one big step, sliding his first finger past the thick ring of muscle until he was first knuckle deep. He looked up for Louis’ reaction.

 

    Louis thought it felt okay, he’d done it to himself so it wasn’t different, and that became a mantra in his head, _it’s just harry, you’ve done this to yourself, he won’t hurt you, you’re okay_. Until he was calm enough to give Harry the okay to continue.

 

    Harry continued with his finger, sliding it in and out in slow motions before sneaking in a second, gouging Louis’ reaction before continuing, he began scissoring and curling his fingers, trying to find the spot and stretching Louis out at the same time.

 

    Finally, Harry’s fingers nudged a hard nub, which Louis jumped at, moaning in a high pitched tone that made Harry’s dick leak. Harry then immediately fingered Louis faster and faster, intentionally hitting his prostate over and over again before sweat could be seen on Louis’ forehead and he cried out something that sounded like

“cock… now!”

 

    To which Harry took quite slowly as well. He wanted to make sure Louis wouldn’t have one of those flashbacks, but it looked like Louis was too gone for it. Harry just slid on a condom and lubed himself up before propping himself over Louis and kissing him into oblivion and lining the tip of his duck with Louis’ hole. To Louis- THAT FEELING, GOD! he felt completely ready- more than ever to see that look of confidence and determination on Harry’s face.

 

    Harry made eye contact before slowly allowing himself to push in. He gets halfway in before he stops at the slightest flinch on Louis’ face, “Nothing wrong, just hurts a little, lemme get used to it” than an “okay, continue, just feels weird.”

 

    Harry started off with little shallow rocks into Louis before Louis began pushing his hips back against Harry, wrapping his legs around Harry’s hips and pulling him deeper. He began taking him deeper and deeper with each thrust and holding him in the highest of trusts as he said, “C’mon Haz.” and then Harry’s plowing into Louis, trying different angles, exploring Louis’ tight ass, “You’re so tight. It’s amazing,” Harry said in a strained voice- trying not to come right then and there. He’d never had a virgin before (and he considered Louis one really) so it was a bit different from the looser blokes he’d fucked. “So beautiful, so beautiful.” He’d said that before, but this was different, to Harry this was making love.

 

    “Fuck,” Louis let out as Harry found his spot, making a mental note and continued hitting the same spot over and over again, harder each time.

 

    “I’m… close.” Louis allowed, and Harry put all his efforts into making this a magical experience for Louis, and continued to hammer into him- hitting the prostate every time until Louis was a writhing mess.

 

    Harry then took Louis’ dick in his hands and fisted him in rhythm to his thrusts. Finally, Louis came with a “Harrrrrreeehhhh.” in his moan.

 

    Not long after, Harry allowed himself a few pumps into Louis before spilling into the condom. He looked between the two, sweat and cum sticking them together.

 

    Harry pulled out, tying and disposing the condom properly before getting a towel and running hot water over it. He then padded back to Louis and cleaning them both up, throwing the towel across the room- now completely sated and unable to move.

 

He curled up against Louis and allowed their breathing to even out and they fell asleep under the covers together.

 

Epilogue:

4 years later

  Louis' POV:

         We had always denied it, the rumors of our affair. We had always said it was the overactive imagination of the fans, until it wasn't anymore. They were looking and noticing something that was actually there. That made us completely ecstatic. We had originally been appalled by those who actually believed in their hearts that we were together- until we were together. 

   

    Now, all we could do was thank them. If it hadn't been for them, we definetely wouldn't have been the in the position we were now. I wouldn't have gotten so completely overworked about the entire thing if it weren't for Elenators and Larry worshippers. I wouldn't have blown up on Harry- altered our lives forever with just that one fight.

 

     I'm not saying I'm happy I said those things to him, god no. But I am saying that I wouldn't change it- it got us to where we were today. 

 

     I'm glad we had laughed off the original comments, started playing the part for the fans. I'm glad we used to goof off about it in interviews and showing people we were all cuddly together. I'm glad because it made it so much easier when we actually _did_ come out. The fans had already experienced a time when they actually believed we were together that there wasn't that much of a hype- no more hate than before.

 

    Sure, when we were younger and were just playing it up, we may have taken it too far... but I KNOW that it was just enough.

 

 Liam’s POV-

 

    His olive skinned fingers ran through the blonde locks and tugging. Their lips were smeared together, and their bodies completely entwined. It was like I wasn’t even there. I hated that. But I’d sort of gotten used to it in the last three years.

 

    Both of them, Niall and Zayn, took it upon themselves to come over to my flat and begin snogging on my couch. I didn’t understand it, but it happened more than I’d like to admit.

 

    After Larry’s first tour, Niall, Zayn, and I had moved out of their flat, inhabiting our old flats, with the exception of Niall moving out of mine and moving in with Zayn. I didn’t mind, this way I wouldn’t have to hear them getting it on if Niall invited Zayn over. Though, they seemed to not be able to be apart.

 

    What had started out as Niall coming over to play some FIFA 2016, turned into Niall texting Zayn to come over and completely abandoning the game in favor of snogging the love of his life.

 

    I’d finally turned off the game and attempted to watch a bit of golf, but the sun from the window kept gleaming against the ring on Niall’s finger and their moans and grunts kept making my face heat up, and I found myself escaping to my room to give them some alone time.

 

    I’d found myself in my room, doing a livestream a half an hour later in the middle of saying something when the front door slammed closed and feet were tearing up the stairs thundering towards my room.

 

    Louis, out of breath, crashed into my door, out of breath and smiling. His eyes were sparkling and excited. He plops down next to me on my bed, ignoring my laptop, and lovingly gazing at the ceiling before he announces,

“He said yes!”

 

    I smiled and ignored the laptop as well to pay attention to him. I’d been the one to help with the plan. I then noticed the livestream had tons of people questioning what was going on.

 

    “Well, I guess we’ve got to tell you then… Louis took Harry on this amazing date, going up in a hot air balloon and having him look down into this field that had this huge painted sign (Zayn did it.) that asked him to marry him!” I said to the laptop. When replied with exclamation points, I turned to Louis,

 

    “So, you’re engaged now?”

 

    “Yeah,” Louis replied in a whisper like it’s a secret he can’t wait to spread.

  
                       The End!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy!  
> Comment if you think I should speed it up with the sequel!  
> Comment if you read this (even if it is to tell me it was absolutely rancid!)


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